episode correspondence: s4 e21: a shade of gray

jupiter aria reid

as the agent left my room, i sighed, placing my head in my hands as i attempt to ease his burden that he had just placed on my shoulders. most people believe that counseling, trauma or otherwise, is an easy task. that you just give them advice on how to move on and that's that. but it's not. you are forced to look right into the eyes of broken people and tell them that they're broken and it's left to you to help them heal. it's on your shoulders. you get to download the pain and the misery, and you get to figure out how to help them heal. and sometimes, these cases hit a little too close to home for my liking. i stood up, locking the door to my office and shutting the blinds before sitting on the floor, letting the tears fall down my face. the previous agent had just dealt with a case where a killer had only been targeting pregnant women. the unsub had suffered a psychotic break after he had found out that his wife was pregnant with another man's baby, he had started out with his wife. stabbed in the stomach and bled to death. but then each murder had become more gruesome than the last, leaving me unconsciously clutching my stomach under the desk through the remainder of the session. of course, i couldn't let him know that. because no matter how uncomfortable i got, i wasn't allowed to show it. which is why i was now seated underneath my desk, clutching a small frog body pillow that looked more like a burrito with eyes than a frog, with my legs crossed as silent sobs escaped my lips. maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the fact that this case terrified me to my very core. but i had found myself in this position more than i was used to, but this session in particular had rendered me completely unable to keep my tears or my emotions at bay. as pathetic as it seemed, my solo crying sessions had become a vital part of my processing routine, happening almost three times a week instead of maybe once a month. due to client confidentiality, i legally couldn't speak of the things that went on in my office. but i could cry about them. that was allowed. so that's what i began to do. i cried until i could finally collect myself. until the stress and the anxiety was gone. nobody knew that this was something i did because, well, it's kind of embarrassing. a grown woman sitting underneath her desk clutching a stuffed animal as she cried over a scary story. i took a deep breath before standing up and sitting back down in my chair, placing billy the frog back in a drawer and grabbing the small travel bag of makeup and a compact mirror to touch up my undoubtedly ruined makeup. i wipe my foundation and spilled mascara off of my face before applying a light layer of powder and mascara. i place everything back in the drawer and lock it. i quickly unlock my office door and re-open the blinds noticing everyone looking in my direction. then i simply walk back to my chair as if nothing had ever happened. because that's what my job took, the ability to be good at pretending things never happened. as i'm filling out the paperwork from the previous agent, there's a soft knock at my door.

"come in." i sigh, not looking up from the paperwork that i was copying my notes onto.

the door opens and i look up briefly to see jj in my doorway.

"what's up, jj?"

"we've got a case."

"oh, i don't know if hotch told you but i'm working out the office now. i-"

"actually, hotch said he wants you out on the field just this once. we're leaving now, there's a child abduction in new jersey."

great, just what i needed. another child related case. i nod my head, grabbing my go bag from underneath me and my jacket handing behind me and following her out the door. as we speed walk through the hallways, i see the team already going into the elevators. jj clicks the button for one of the elevators and she turns to me.

"are you okay?"

"huh?"

"well...your eyes are really red. and your nose sounds a little congested."

"oh. yeah, i'm getting a killer migraine. i tried shutting the blinds to make it darker in my office, but it didn't help much." i shrug, the lie slipping smoothly passed my lips.

"i used to get those all the time. it's probably a caffeine headache. i went from drinking almost a whole pot day to none at all. just cold turkey." she chuckles, and i nod my head.

"yeah. probably. oh, that ones open." i say, pointing towards the elevator furthest to my right.

we run into that one and hotch quickly slides in, catching the ride down with us. jj hands us the files and i stick them in my purse as the elevator door opens and i climb into the back of the black suv that smelled thickly of car freshener and coffee, making me queasy. hotch speeds through the streets making me even more nauseous.

"you okay, juju?" jj asks, looking back at my most likely pale face.

"yeah i'm fine. the driving mixed with the smell of your guys' coffee isn't too settling for me. but i'm fine. promise. just keep going so i can get out of this car." i chuckle, making both of the agents smile.

eventually, we had pulled up the the jet and i was the first to scramble out of the car, taking a couple deep breaths of fresh air before heading into the jet. once inside, i take a seat next to spencer, leaning my head on his shoulder as i cradle my bump in my hands. giving me and the baby mental reassurance that everything was going to be just fine.

"you alright?" he asks, glancing down at me.

"i'm fine. just nauseous. the smell of coffee is driving me crazy." i chuckle

"oh. i'm sorry. i forgot about that." he says, sucking in a breath and pushing his cup away from me.

i chuckle, lifting my head and leaning it on the back of the seat.

"a fair warning to everyone on this plane, with this lingering smell of coffee. i will at some point throw up. just be grateful it's a short flight." i breath out as i close my eyes.

"just do it in the bathroom please." emily chuckles, making me grab a pen from the table and chuck it over at her.

"um. ow?" she says, making me open my eyes.

i shrug, feeling the immediate wave of nausea hitting my body as jj's coffee steams wafts towards me. i stand up, walking calmly to the restroom on the jet and letting my child expel any and all contents in my stomach. i groan, flushing the toilet and rinsing my mouth out before grabbing the orange essential oil roller from my pocket and rubbing it under my nose. inhaling the citrusy scent. a small smile graces my lips as i step out, the oil masking the coffee smell. i sit back down in my seat and pull the small insulated lunch bag from my go bag. giggling excitedly as i pull out saltines and strawberry cream cheese.

"i know you did not just pull food out of your go bag, mama."

"actually, i did. i'm pregnant. what did you expect from me?" i shrug as i dip the cracker into the cream cheese, shoving the whole thing in my mouth.

"wait, where's rossi?" i ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

"oh jeez i think we left him." emily groans.

"guys i'm right here." he scoffs, leaning up from the couch.

"oh thank god. we already have three children missing, didn't need to add another to that list." i breath out, wiping the fake sweat from my forehead.

"i take back what i said. i don't enjoy your company." he points at me, initiating the banter.

"nope. you can't take it back. you can't steal from a pregnant lady."

"your pregnancy can't always be your get out of jail free card."

"actually, it can."

"yeah, i don't like you. now, back to the case."

jj nods her head, passing out the files and i grab mine from my bag.

"three children missing. all taken from their beds somewhere between midnight and 6AM. all three the same M.O. the first two were found strangled with blunt force head traumas, dumped in the wharton state forest."

my finger grazes over the photo of the small boy and my heart aches as i stare at the innocent child in the picture. i had pretty much already checked out of the conversation. only butting in with small opinions or short answers. we had reached the new jersey air strip as quickly as we had taken off. we were then placed into the cars, driving off to our separate positions that hotch had assigned. as hotch, jj, spen, and i made our way into the precinct, we immediately began setting up our board. as we're setting up, the sound of the distraught mother on the tv catches my attention. i watch as she falls apart on the small screen and my heart breaks, the tears slowly filling my eyes and my hand tightly clutching the white board marker as the thoughts of the pregnancy murders and child abductions filled my brain. i clear my throat, shaking my head and blinking away the tears as i place my left hand over my stomach and the right continuing to write things on the board. i could see spen cautiously observing me as the three of them share a skeptical look.

"if you're going to profile me because the sight of a mother falling apart after somebody abducted her child made me emotional, then you should probably know that the significant changes in my hormone levels and the high stress levels during the first month of my pregnancy will affect the neurotransmitters in my brain, therefore affecting how my brain will process and regulate my moods and lead to a loss of control over my emotions. plus i doubt that's what we should be focusing on when there's a child missing." i sigh as i write down evidence onto the board, attempting to piece together the profile.

i hear them exchange whispers and spencer sighs. i already knew what he was thinking. i already knew that he was concerned about the fact that i hadn't talked about what happened with colin. how it affected me or how i was dealing with it. but i'm the person that people come to to fix their problems. i am the person that the agents go to in order to help them process. who was i supposed to go to? myself? and i couldn't burden spencer with details already knowing his struggle with dilaudid, he'd most likely overreact about the sedative thing. i shake my head, turning back to the tv to watch the man read the statement from them other, who was now in the arms of her husband. the camera pans out and i watch the brother, my eyebrows furrowing as i take note of his cool and easy demeanor. however, it could be that he simply couldn't understand what was happening. or maybe he hadn't fully processed what had been going on.

"what're you thinking, juju?" jj asks as she pans out the files.

i pause for a moment before shaking my head.

"nothing nothing. it's nothing." i sigh, turning back to the board and looking over the photos.

"nothing is insignificant, aria. you know that." hotch says, giving me a pointed look.

i sigh, turning and sitting down in the chair, resting one of my hands over my bump.

"the brother...he looks a little.....too calm, i guess? like he doesn't really care about what's going on. and it could be that he just doesn't understand, but there looks to be a certain lack of empathy that's umm...concerning to me. and connected or not, i'd keep a close eye on the brother. he knows something at the very least, wether he thinks it's important or not."

the three of them share a look before turning back to me.

"are you trying to say that-"

"i'm not trying to say anything, spen. i just think that child's lack of emotion is a bit concerning. on top of all of this, kyle is nothing like the other two victim's....i need to go to the crime scene." i sigh as i push myself out of the chair and spencer shakes his head.

"i'll go with rossi and i'll call you to tell you what we find. you stay here, and try not to stress too much please." he says, grabbing my hand and pressing a kiss on my forehead before walking out.

i pause for a moment before turning back to hotch and jj.

"i'm going to the bathroom. for now, i'd suggest looking into sex offender lists and check their bank accounts for any activity. a child abduction takes time, they won't have had any time to spend money or take calls if their stealing children from their homes." i mumble, rubbing my hand over my bump and making my way towards the bathroom.

as i'm washing my hands, i look into my reflection and sigh.

"what kind of a mother are you that you couldn't even protect your own child?"