Your Lungs Might Explode



Humans don't like staying where they are supposed to, this is just a fact of life.


Humans are land fairing creatures, they breathe oxygen, and, while they can swim, they cannot breathe underwater and they can't fly. For any other species this would be enough to stay right where they belong.


Humans have this annoying habit of completely ignoring what they should do, and doing the exact opposite thing. For instance, humans cannot survive in a vacuum.... Did that stop them?


.... Yes.....


PSYCH! JUST KIDDING IT TOTALLY DIDN'T BECAUSE HUMANS ARE INSANE!


Being friends with a human is a great way to give yourself anxiety because they insist on jumping out of the sky, strapping rockets to themselves, suspending themselves inside pressurized cages of doom, petting dangerous creatures, driving too fast, breathing underwater, not breathing, eating dangerous things, and that isn't even a hundredth of the list that I have compiled.


Side note, did you know that the taste humans describe as "spicy" Isn't an actual taste. It is literally the pain receptors in their mouth and nose responding with a pain signal to something POISONOUS.


HUMANS LIKE THE TASTE OF PAIN!


I am so exhausted, I have grown attached to these humans, and it only makes it so much worse when they insist on defying nature and doing things they were never meant to do. I am a nervous wreck, and I just want to sit down and do something that isn't potentially life threatening for once. I just want the humans to do something that isn't life threatening, but apparently they can't even sleep without doing that.


They can't even EAT without threatening themselves eating poisonous things, fattening things, things that weren't even meant to be food, oh yeah and their ability to speak means it's like ten times easier for them to just go ahead and choke to death. Just choke.... To death. Who the HELL dies from EATING!


Sweet rings of Nebulon!!!! Humans do stupid stuff all the time, but they only die because of stupid shit like choking to death, or shoving things in unmentionable places, or drinking too much "energy drink", or... or.... Gahhhhhh!


....


....


I need a vacation.


***


"But captain, the entire planet is water, there's nothing we can do."


Captain Vir tapped his fingers against the control panel as the ship slowly lowered itself into the rocking ocean. Sirens roared around them heralding the water landing demanding subsequent action. The ship's crew scurried around the floor readying the ship to take the strain of the water.


"Krill, you forget that earth is like two thirds water, we know how to deal with it." The prosthetic leg tapped absently against the floor in time with his hand.


Krill gave an enormous sigh," I know that captain, but I also know that humans live primarily on land, and that unless you have gills hidden up your ass, you can't breathe underwater."


Captain Vir gave him a look one eyebrow raised over a glittering green eye, "Was that sarcasm?"


Krill looked down, "Sorry."


Captain Vir grinned, "Not sure whether I should be proud or worried."


He turned back to the loading ramp as Krill shuffled his four feet, "I may be a little..... Stressed..... Lately."


The human laughed, "Surprise it took you this long."


"Landing successful, Captain, a crewmember called from a catwalk above. Water sloshed and thudded against the outside of the hull giving testament to the truth of the statement.


The captain gave a curt nod turning to the rest of the crew, "Lower the ramp, and remember, be polite, they say these guys are supposed to be pretty sensitive to insult, and we don't want to antagonize them. We are here as emissaries of the galactic assembly, and should act as such."


"Talking to yourself captain." A crew-member teased on his way past


The man gave a sheepish grin, "Maybe a little."


The ramp began to lower slowly bringing with it a light sea breeze and the roaring of distant waves.


Around them, the ship rocked gently as the waterlanding gear moved to stabilize them.


Captain Vir stepped out onto the ramp eyes scanning over the immense expanse of ocean around them, the sky above a distant wash of blue. He took a deep breath closing his eyes and sighing deeply, "Not bad, reminds me of home."


Krill shook his head glued as he was to the interior of the ship. He didn't understand how the human could be so comfortable standing over water fathoms deep.


A splash.... Then another.


The captain dropped to his knees at the very edge of the water staring into the crystal blue. The crew followed closely, and even Krill took a few steps into the water.


A few moments passed before a face coalesced out of the water breaking the surface just enough to show his face while keeping his gills covered. Krill was surprised to find the face was remarkably human, aside from the green skin and odd protruding crests above the fishy bulging eyes.


The captain gave a kurt nod, "Captain, Vir of the USS Stabby, representative to the Galactic assembly, at your service."


The fish face man, made a couple of gurgling noises before the translators kicked in.


"You are late, Captain."


"My apologies your highness, but my ship requires extra prep for water landings."


A critical expression crossed the fish's face followed by a sneer, "You will not be able to help us. Land walkers and no gills. You will die as soon as you step into our ocean much less help us fight off the menace below."


The captain gave a small smile, "That is where you are wrong." He returned to his full height, "We are fully capable of swimming, and some of us DO have the ability to breathe underwater."


If krill could have rolled his eyes, he would have. That was one thing he was SURE humans couldn't do.


The fish-man appeared just as amused as Krill was skeptical, "Very well, join us in the water than."


"Give me twenty minutes of prep time, and I will."


The fish faced man disappeared, and the captain turned back to find Krill watching him having adopted a crossed arm position and a posture that he understood as human for "What sort of bullshit is this?"


The captain grinned motioning a group of humans from inside the ship as he did so.


Krill looked on in confusion as he watched the human's strip of their clothes to replace them with tight fitting body suits.


Another human hauled silver tanks from the interior of the ship.


"Captain, what are you doing?" Krill asked watching as the human used a strap to secure a backpack-like apparatus to one of the tanks labeled "oxygen."


"Suba diving." The man responded.


Krill gave a sigh he had a feeling he wasn't going to like this, "And what is Suba diving?"


The captain pulled the cap from the tank's nozzle and screwed a rather complex apparatus to the top, "it's how humans breathe underwater."


"You what?"


The captain finished affixing one of the hoses to the backpack, and had begun twisting the nozzle to the tank. Krill heard the slight hiss as air filled the hoses.


"The tank is compressed atmosphere. Generally the same oxygen concentration you find on Earth atmosphere." He held up one of the hoses, "keep this in your mouth underwater and you can breathe normally from the air inside the tank."


Krill groaned, "But captain. Water is denser than air. The amount of pressure you'll be under."


The Captain shrugged, "Every 33 feet is another atmosphere, I know. But its fine, we can go pretty deep. You just have to remember you use more air the deeper you go because of the density under pressure. You end up needing more oxygen to expand your lungs."


"This can't be as easy as you make it sound." Krill pointed out stubbornly


The captain grinned and shook his head, "Oh no, it's terribly dangerous. You hold your breath while coming up to fast, and your lungs could explode. Stay down to long, and then come up to fast, nitrogen bubbles build up in your body and you get the bends. It's a very effective way to die if you don't know what you are doing."


Krill didn't know what to say. He wanted to say that he was SICK and TIRED of watching his humans doing dangerous things. He wanted to explain to them that they SHOULDN'T be happy about things that could kill them. The STUPID space children that they were. He wanted to scream. What would happen if one of his humans died, what then? He couldn't take it.


But no he had to sit there and watch as the idiots strapped flippers and masks to themselves carrying tanks on their backs as they pitched backward into the water and vanished under the surface clutching harpoon guns to their chests as they went.


He hated them sometimes.


He hated watching on the monitors as the humans sunk into the darkness with no way to communicate with each other, but hand signals. He hated watching them as an explosion of bubbles heralded a creature faster and more adept at them in the water. He hated watching as they fought in that silence and darkness far from the surface.


At some point, the hose to the captain's breathing apparatus was severed. Bubbles exploded everywhere as the last harpoon was fired.


The creature sunk into darkness.


The Captain struggled in the water even as krill shrilled in horror, but then a hand motion, and another human showed up, only to hand over a second breathing apparatus sharing it with his out-of-air counterpart. Together, the two of them swam towards the surface.


Krill sat back in his seat in anxious annoyance.


***


"STOP IT, JUST STOP IT."


The captain sat in confused consternation towel around his neck, "Krill what?"


"STOP DOING DANGEROUS THINGS. I CAN'T TAKE IT."


The human watched in silence as the small alien raged about the cargo hold, "EVERY DAY it's something new. Something I have to worry about. Will you die in your sleep, will you die while eating, will you slip and die in the shower, will you have a stroke and die, a heart attack and die? Or will you do something STUPID and die. Captain please.... You're my friend, and I can't keep living like this."


The human tilted his head, eyes worried.


He reached out a hand to pat his friend on the shoulder, "Krill," His voice was soft, "You can't stop me from being stupid." He grinned, "That's a human thing." Krill went to speak, but the Captain held up a hand, "Krill, if I live every day of my life safe and sound, than I never really lived at all. Risk is the reason for living."


Clearly, the human wasn't wrong when he said he was stupid.


Humans don't seem to understand the difference between danger and living.

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