Report ID 2241567

Author Krill

Humans and Food

1. After some research, it has been brought to my attention that my theories on Pizza were mildly incorrect. Pizza is not a political leader, celebrity or dark god. It is in fact, a food that humans like.... A lot..... I cannot stress to you how under exaggerated that is. If it was socially acceptable to name your first born after this food, than humans would gladly do it.

I still have my doubts on weather this pizza is a dark god or not because how could humans be so interested in a flat bed of carbohydrates covered with curdled cow secretions, cow shavings, and tomato paste? I have no idea....

Though, if there is a Pizza religion, I am under the impression it a minor sin to put Pineapple as one of the toppings, or so I understand.

2. Although, to discuss the topic of food, I must first explain that humans require intra-body consumption of outside energy to fuel their body. This means taking objects from the enviornment and putting it into their bodies. This wouldn't be so weird since we know other species that preform this practice, but the issue is, humans will eat ANYTHING.

a. Plant products

b. Animals

c. Fungi

d. Seeds

3. Those being the major food groups, I have yet to describe all the seemingly inedible foods humans consume that include poisonous compounds either because it tastes good or because they quote on quote "Think it's fun."

a. Potatoes, a dirty ground root that contains solanines when old. Humans are excessively obsessed with potatoes and all the dirt that comes with them.

b. Human's favorite fruit, apples, contain cyanide. Ok yeah it's just in the seeds, but do the humans carefully cut these out. No they eat the whole damn thing as if begging the universe to just go ahead and kill them.

c. Oh humans also love spicy peppers. What do I mean Spicy, I mean it burns. As in literally. The chemicals inside peppers are poisonous enough that pain receptors in the mouth respond and create a burning sensation. Humans love peppers even as they cry and snot and dribble all over themselves because the pain. HUMANS LOVE THE TASTE OF PAIN.

4. Important note. Never take a human's food. I know you have no reason to take it, but don't move it either. They get extremely territorial of their food. If you need it, ask politely. They will be more than willing to give it to you, but if you don't you could

a. Be socked in the face

b. Get bitten

c. Loose a friend

d. Make an enemy

e. Make the human cry

f. Forfeit your life to the human god of YOU BASTARD YOU JUST ATE MY FOOD IM GOING TO F****** KILL YOU

i. Note, I have never heard of this god being referenced in conversation, but I am still 100% sure that he exists.

5. Humans love colored food specifically when it is paired with sugar. The best way to make friends with a human is to offer them delectable rainbow comestibles.

a. They can be sticky

b. Hard

c. Stretchy

d. Gummy

e. On a stick

f. In a box

g. In a wrapper

h. Or you can just go ahead and poor straight sugar into a tiny bag, color it up a little, and make it incendiary. No I am not kidding, Humans have a candy that explodes in your mouth.

6. Oh, relating to number 5, some humans aren't happy unless the candy is sour. This means that if it doesn't pucker every orifice on their body, than it isn't sour enough. If it's any good it should screw up the face, lock up the anus, and make your entire body hurt.

7. Some humans have a condition where they want to eat things that ARENT food. This includes plastic bags, the stuffing out of mattresses, dirt, rocks, toilet paper, and one time an entire AIRPLANE, not even joking... not.... Not even a little.

8. Oh, as an addition to number 7, human stomach acid can dissolve steel, and for the rest of their life, their body will have to constantly replace the lining of their stomach so that the acid doesn't chew its way through their backbone, out their back, and onto the floor.

9. Also the humans like to throw minor drugs into their food. This includes coffee, tea and, sodas. They become mildly addicted to these drugs, and none of the humans will admit it, but many of them are addicted, have a serious problem and really should stop but no, they won't because it helps them get up in the morning. Idiot morons.

10. Oh you know how I said Pizza is the dark god of food? Well if Pizza is the dark god, than chocolate is the Megagod used to bribe angry female humans into not destroying life on earth as they know it. Chocolate can be used to appease the male of the species, but it is much less effective. If you want to appease the male human give them a Beer. Even if they are still made at you, the ethanol content will make them slow, uncoordinated, and stupid, and they will likely trip over themselves as you run away.

a. Note, this may require more than one alcoholic beverage to do so, the human liver is very productive.

Back to chocolate though. It comes in many forms, squares, triangles, cylinders, circles, frozen cow secretions, warmed and mixed with water, cold and mixed with cool cow secretions. Congealed and turned into a gelatinous slow moving magma that they drip into or onto cow secretions

11. Have I mentioned the fact that humans drink the byproducts of other animals, originally intended for other animal's offspring? Yeah, that one is weird.

12. BECAUSE WHO THE ACTUAL F*** WAS THE FIRST HUMAN WHO DECIDED TO DRINK FROM A COW NIPPLE.