Report ID 2241570

Author Krill

Can we talk about something.... Something that annoys me greatly, and I am sick and tired of having to deal with?

No? Well TOO BAD because if I am sick and tired of it, than the rest of you are going to have to suffer with me, also if I get one more letter about how my reports are unsettling, scarring or starting to worry my superiors, than don't bother. You can just take your complaints and shove them RIGHT UP.....

*voice from the background* Uh, Krill, are you ok.

*grumble* Yes, fine, just doing another report.... Anyway, I wanted to talk about humans, because of course you knew that, they are the only creature in the galaxy capable of annoying me so greatly. In fact, I am 100% convinced that human emotions rubbed off on me for the specific reason of giving me the ability to be pissed off.

Why, Krill, why are you so pissed off today? Well, thank you for asking, so kind of you. I am annoyed because everyone in the universe seems to be convinced that humans are indestructible killing machines incapable of dying, but I am here to tell you that that is not the case..... well I mean, it is the case, but sometimes it isn't....

AHHHRGG

That's just the point though, humans are simultaneously the most indestructible creatures in the galaxy while simultaneously having the FANTASTIC ability to die over the stupidest o things. So the problem becomes that you have to keep your human alive when everyone, including themselves, is convinced they are indestructible, but they are, in fact, surprisingly easy to kill. Do you know how constantly I have to worry about humans because they have this ability to get into the most dangerous situations, and of course they might just survive, but they might also just die getting out of bed.

A list of a few things humans can survive if you don't believe me.

· There are at least 7 humans I know of who have survived falling at terminal velocity from the sky 122 mph if anyone is asking. Ok granted there were other factors that contributed to their survival, like shattering glass, snow, and a mountain hillside, but can we just think about that for a bit?

· Humans routinely get themselves struck by lightning, ok maybe not routinely, I looked up the statistics. About 1,000 people are insured by lightning each year and some 100 die from it just in what used to be the United States, but that means at least ONE of those people was directly struck and didn't die..... Yeah.... Super-heated sky plasma of death.....

· A human once survived 21 gunshot wounds......

· Humans have survived being shot in the head, getting their lower mandible shot off or getting shot through the neck.

· Humans also survive traumatic brain injury, and I'm not talking simply about a hit on the head, I am talking about objects being jammed into their brains. Take my friend the Commander for example, who survived a screwdriver through the eye-socket and into his brain, with minimal brain damage. MINIMAL BRAIN DAMAGE! Any brain damage should be death, but NO humans just call it MINIMAL which means, apparently, it's no big deal.

· They lose limbs ALL the time. I swear I am not joking. Again, take my Commander again, he got his RIPPED OFF traumatically. Humans get them blown off, ripped off, or just plain cut off because it medically relevant. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL! There was even one human who CUT OF HIS OW ARM with a pocketknife......

*sigh*

· They also just casually transplant organs like it's no big deal.

· Horrifying diseases that make your insides hemorrhage. Yeah no big deal for humans either.

· Most humans can survive a second degree burn covering 70% of the body. A lower percentage (but still notably a percentage) can survive 3rd degree burns over 50% of the body..... NOT LIKE ANYONE SHOULD WANT TO SURVIVE THAT. At this point it's just cruel to keep the poor human alive.

· HUMANS DON'T NEED HALF THEIR BRAIN...... sometimes they just effing remove it because it's convenient that way. HALF OF THEIR MOTHER F***ING BRAIN

· Humans can theoretically survive for 15 seconds in the vacuum of space...... WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE ALIVE FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS THROUGH THE MOST HORRIBLE DEATH IMAGINABLE, I ASK YOU!

· Or they can just survive plain straight up dying. Like they die, and as long as another human is there to pump their heart for them, they can just go right on to recover like nothing ever happened. Do you have any idea HOW INSANE THAT IS.? Humans can shake off DEATH

Yeah and no wonder humans seem indestructible, but I swear to you. Just as much as they are indestructible, they can also just go right ahead and fall apart.

· Human organs can just go right ahead and malfunction. Just up and get inflamed and rupture ad kill them, without any provocation what- so-ever. So as a doctor, I constantly have to worry about my humans' organs exploding.

· Humans WILL die without sleep. The longest a human was known to last was about 11 days, and then they died.

· A man bit his own tongue and died from infection. Surprisingly a lot of stupid ways to die end up in infection for humans, stubbing your toe, biting your tongue, biting another person, getting a PAPER CUT, or not washing yourself properly.

· Another human stepped out of the shower, slipped and hit his head and died.

· Oh sitting..... yes you heard me right, SITTING can kill humans. How you may ask, oh yeah it might cause blood clots in the legs that will break off and end up in the lungs...... the human body is an absolute minefield of things that can just go wrong.

· The inability to pee, or just plain deciding not to pee because humans....... Because.....sometimes I really hate humans. I mean honestly, how are you expected to take care of an entire crew of them when their organs might explode, or they may just decide not to pee anymore.

· Laughing.... People have died from laughing. You heard me correctly, this is just stupid. Outrageously stupid.

· You can survive 15 seconds in the vacuum of space, but can't survive stepping on a nail. Doesn't that freak anyone else out because one of those seem far more extreme to me than the others.

· Also humans have this stupid habit of shoving their nasty bits into anything small enough to fit it in, or shove something unusual up somewhere it shouldn't be. DON'T THEY SELL THINGS SPECIFICALLY FOR THAT! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THESE STUPID THINGS.

· Sheer stupidity, just going off the last one we discussed, sometimes human stupidity can be directly linked to death.

· Falling down a manhole. You can survive falling from an airplane, but falling down a manhole is just out of the question.

· Accidentally being strangled by their own scarves.

· Choking WHILE EATING. You can survive doing stupid things, but you know what you died of YOU DIED BECAUSE YOU NEEDED TO EAT. One of the only thigs humans and other species have in common and YOU MAKE THAT THE THING THAT KILLS YOU.

· Falling out of bed. I MEAN HONESTLY..... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

· Or a blasted coconut could just fall from a tree and brain you in the head. The most feared and only predator species in the galaxy and you get killed by falling coconuts.

· Or you can just trip and die, there is always that option. NO better way than to kick the bucket than by just walking minding your own business.

· O how would you like to be speared by an icicle from your death planet, sounds fun doesn't it.

· Oh and if you wanted to feel horrible today, just a reminder that humans can just up and die from sadness, yeah a human can become so sad, that their heart just STOPS WORKING. WHAT THE HELL. Humans can die because they are sad.

My favorite is spontaneous organ explosion, and when I mean favorite, I mean I hate it. I have to take care of these people, and what it all boils down to is that humans die from blows to the head, and infection, but what happened when I suggested wearing helmets? THEY LAUGHED AT ME. I am the one sitting here terrified their organs are going to spontaneously rupture, and they are over there LAUGHING AT ME!

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

Why is it that nothing about humans makes sense? Indestructible but not, and now I have to make sure their organs don't rupture, they eat enough, they sleep, they protect their heads, and now I have to worry about my humans being too sad.

I AM terrified.

I just want to take care of my humans. Why can't they make it easier on me?