A half hour later, I sat staring at the blank paper, drumming the pen and staring into space. The letter was finished in ten minutes—once I began putting words down, it flowed easily. Self-consciously, I put it in the last journal so Calin could read it when I was gone.

My gaze shifted to the empty bowl where the living flame I'd created no longer burned, thus no longer keeping me from my abilities. It had been strange when a book restored my memories and lessened the impact of Devland's attempt to bar me from contacting anyone outside Wickenton. This—having my magic returned by a place? —made me wary of tapping into its energy.

The Kingdom.

My heritage.

It's overwhelming.

Perhaps I could recreate the flame and avoid going back?

I sighed, turned my head as a knock sounded against the door, taking away the option. "Come in!"

Calin appeared, his brow furrowed. He appraised me and the desk, then leaned against the doorframe, never taking his hand off the knob. "Hey, you okay? Seeing Trevor must have been hard."

I stopped tapping the pen and studied Calin. Then, with a shake of my head, I sighed. "I mean, it wasn't fun, but I had to do it. I kind of feel better knowing he's the one who's helpless now. Like seeing him made it better. Thanks for giving me some space when we got back."

"Figured you'd want some time to think."

"I did." I shrugged, nodded to the corner of the desk. "There's the last journal if you want to read it."

"Do you want me to?"

I paused, then nodded, staying quiet after debating whether to say the letter I wrote him was folded in the pages. The journal wasn't even a choice. Calin could likely follow when I went anywhere barred from people outside my family bloodline, and he deserved a head's-up on what to expect from an outsiders perspective. My grandfather's insights may be something Calin could relate to. Besides, I hadn't chosen to be born with so much responsibility, but I needed Calin to decide if being with me—connected to the family secrets he could never share—was what he wanted.

At least if he didn't the journals weren't specific enough to compromise the bigger picture of what I now shouldered.

"I'm sure." I nodded again and stood. "I'll, uh..." I cleared my throat. "Well, you heard me say I had to leave for a few days." I licked my lips. "Can we talk when I get back?"

"About?"

My shoulders slumped. A sigh escaped and I met Calin's gaze. "Everything."

"I could come with you?" Calin shifted his weight, crossing his arms. "If you want."

"I do, but..." I shook my head. "I have to go alone still."

"What...?" Calin shook his head, blinking quickly. "I thought you were done taking off alone after Trevor?"

Damn.

"I'd like you to read the journal before we talk, Calin."

His eyes narrowed. "Is this about magic? I heard the call, Nora. About nobody being able to use it and you were gone for a while earlier. Did you do something?"

"Stopping magic?" I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "I am definitely not able to create a spell for that," I said, telling myself it was the truth because magic stopped as a consequence of the spell I cast, not because I cast a spell to stop it—I didn't think I could. "I was reading in the gazebo. Ask Islene. She walked me there."

"I went there and you weren't there," he said. "Plus, I also overheard my mom talking to my dad. He called to tell her about the magical hiatus and she said not to worry because you were fixing it."

Crap.

He checked on me, which was sweet, but there was no way I could explain I didn't do anything to restore magic—it was done without my being given a choice—and I still thought removing it would solve everyone's problems. Or at least level the playing field. The only reason I didn't was because of what Zach said about the Kingdom ceasing, and I wanted to learn about my family first—what if I destroyed something I wanted as a keepsake?

"Where did you go?"

"Um..." I looked down at my feet, finding no words to explain why I couldn't say.

"So, my mom is the only one who can know enough not to worry about you?"

"Calin, I—"

"Was kidnapped, Nora!" Calin's hands fell to hit his sides. "You were kidnapped, so yeah. I worry. I gave you space because you said you could handle things before. Then you were drugged, kidnapped, and held against your will. Guess what? Your magic? The part of you that protects you? It didn't do anything to help you out in that situation."

"I know." I sighed.

"You aren't invincible. Someone wants you enough to pay for the chance to take your abilities. That doesn't exactly make you safe, even if you aren't alone."

"I know, Calin!" I took a deep breath and lowered my voice. "Don't worry. This isn't the same thing."

"Don't worry?" Calin snorted, nodding. "Don't worry. Right. Because since I've met you, that's been possible. It's not like you have a weakness or people don't get taken and returned without their magic—or even dead. I felt your fear at Trevor's, Nora. You even dug out your nightlight so you wouldn't be afraid of the dark."

"I feel useless in the dark, which scares me, and my lamps are too bright to sleep with."

"You feel useless because you couldn't use magic to protect yourself. Everyone experienced no magic, so you can't rely on it. If Duvessa of all people hadn't helped, we wouldn't have found you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in asking to know where you are heading."

"Islene knows where I'm going because my mom told her everything. If it were my choice, I'd have told you first. You know more than Nancy, and she'd my best friend! I was told to keep it a secret and the more I learn, the more I realize it was for a good reason. You deserve to find out when I know more and don't just give you half-truths." I sighed, suddenly exhausted. "Just read the journal, Calin. Please. You'll understand why I can't just tell you." I finally met his gaze. "It's a lot to take in—I still don't entirely understand, but I'm trying to, which is why I'm leaving for a few days. If you read the journals, you will see how hard it is to tell someone. My grandmother took years to tell my grandfather, and it was confusing. And she knew her whole life instead of just learning everything one piece at a time. Once I know more, I will answer all your questions, but read the journals. Please trust me."

"I don't want to read it, Nora." Calin straightened to his full height and glared, pointing his finger at me, and I felt punched he didn't trust me. "I'm tired of games. If you want me to know, then you tell me."

"I can't! You knew I was leaving to discover things, and this is a part of that journey! I can't quit, and it isn't fair for you to make me feel bad about it now!"

"Then I don't want to know." He sighed. "You say you'll tell me when you learn more, but you also said we'd talk when you discovered the secret, so what are you going to learn that will stop the conversation next time? I'm tired of this, Nora. I'm not reading it until you're willing to tell me."

"Calin..." I didn't know what to say.

Apparently, neither did he.

We kept our gazes locked for a few painfully drawn out, this-feels-like-it's-over-if-I-don't-give-him-something seconds. Finally, the moment passed and Calin looked away, and I felt like my opportunity vanished. I needed more time to think. To know what I was truly facing as a future and if it was fair to bring Calin into it without preparing him for the enormity.

"I'm going home in the morning," Calin said quietly, looking at the floor.

"Okay," I whispered, though inside, I was screaming. Duvessa was in Wickenton. If she wasn't already confessing everything she knew about me to Devland, she'd be more than happy to ensure Calin didn't feel lonely. What if he was so grateful for her help, he fell for her again?

"Will you come?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

It's too late. Even if I wanted to go, I couldn't. It tore me up, but I'd have to let him go. If that meant he ended up going back to Duvessa, I had to let it happen.

"Why can't you come, Nora?"

I pressed my lips together. Because I have received an answer laden with responsibilities and I have to know what that means—what happened to my mother, what's happening in Wickenton... I couldn't fix anything without knowing.

"Goodbye, Nora." Calin turned, calling over his shoulder, "Good luck."

Tell him.

The thought ran through my mind, but my body didn't move and my mouth was incapable of words. My chest felt hollow, my emotions numb. My eyes burned but remained dry.

It's easier this way.

Maybe he is better off with Duvessa if she's good now.

Not only could I not bring Calin into the chaos I was in, I couldn't stand telling him and realizing he couldn't handle it. Then, I'd truly be alone. It was better to think of Calin as being there, always supporting, until I figured out how to share.

Now I could do what was needed with a clear mind and no guilt or feeling torn between going to Zach or being with Calin.

Still, I wasn't willing to give up.

We shared blood and were soulmates.

Calin would be there when I returned, and he'd forgive me when I finally shared. If he read the letter, I'd get the chance to explain.

Grabbing the journal, I headed to my room to pack a bag. I'd give the journal to Islene to hand over to Calin and then go to the Kingdom, learn, and return. Since Calin was leaving in the morning, I'd go tonight—I wouldn't sleep anyway.

We already said goodbye.

I couldn't handle being there and seeing Calin be unwilling to say it again—if he acknowledged me.

This way, I could believe we'd work it out and he wouldn't fall for Duvessa in my absence.

Or because of it.