Chapter 46

I've had to pee for the last hour...but my bathroom...it's so...far away


Sinister's POV:


The senator and I had finally finished up our paperwork, and I was almost at Rachel's mothers house.


I rarely ever felt remorse or guilt. Truly evil people don't just hurt people, they take pride in the hurt and pain they inflict.


I had been spending the majority of my life committing crimes: I killed people for money, and the truth of the matter, was that I liked it. I liked that cold fear that I inflicted. I enjoyed people cowering from me, begging for mercy and fearing my name. I was a bad man who felt very little remorse.


But I felt for Rachel, I couldn't imagine what I would do if I lost Calla. And even though Afanas had been my best friend and brother, I couldn't help that painful sadness that flooded my mind whenever I thought of Rachel.


I tried not to think of Afanas's death. I knew it would make me break down and lose myself completely if I thought of him. I couldn't be weak, I couldn't cry, I couldn't show sadness.


So I didn't think about it.


"Mr. Velkov, we're approaching the house." My guard said to me, motioning out the window to a very small house with white picket fencing.


I felt the car lull to a stop.


"Stay in the car, I won't be long." I ordered, stepping out of the car and straightening out my suit jacket as I made my way up the driveway and knocked on the door.


I stood at the front door and waited awhile, my foot tapping impatiently as I waited for someone to answer the door. I guess I was nervous, I didn't exactly know how to deal with emotional people. Calla was the only person I truly knew how to comfort. If Rachel started crying, I'd probably just give her a pat on the back or something stupid like that.


After a few minutes, the door finally creaked open, and I felt myself feeling like somebody just ran over me with their fucking car.


Afanas stood in the doorway.


Holy fuck.


My mind instantly began filling with painful realization, my heart hammered in my head as I stared at him.


I felt myself losing my footing as I took a massive step back, my hands covered my mouth as I stared at my best friend. The man who I thought was dead, the man who I grew up with, the man that I watched die in front of my fucking eyes.


Piercing memories flooded my mind, memories from that night. The night I watched the light leave his eyes. The night he risked his life for Calla.


I remembered his shivering body as cold death began to consume him, I remember the trails of tears that flooded his dying eyes. I remember the pool of blood that drowned his corpse. I saw him fucking die.


And now, here he was, looking perfectly healthy, a small smile etched on the edges of his lips.


I couldn't say anything.


Afanas threw his arms around me in a strong embrace, but I couldn't reciprocate. I couldn't fucking move.


"You...you died..." I choked, unable to form a full sentence as I forced my arms to hug him back.


"As if I'd die without taking you with me." He croaked out, as he pulled away.


A light haziness filled my mind, my mouth opening and closing like a fucking idiot as he lead my frozen body inside.


"What the fuck is going on?" I asked, not daring to take my eyes off his presence, almost as though he was a pigment of my imagination. I feared for my sanity.


Afanas led me into the sitting room, I was on fucking autopilot as I sat down across from him, my hands shook fiercely as I clenched them together.


"Where's Calla?" I asked quickly, my eyes darting around the small living room, and finding no traces of her.


"She's upstairs you dumb fuck." Afanas said halfheartedly.


My eyes darted back to his. What kind of sick shit was going on? What the fuck was happening? Is this some sort of cruel joke?


"It's a little hard to explain, Sin. I didn't die that night, though I was damn close to it...I, um...Rachel's pregnant, you see, and I had to...I had to do what was best..." His deep voice was apprehensive as he spoke, not daring to look me in the eyes for too long.


"What was best?" I seethed, my hands shaking, now, from absolute fury. "You faked your own fucking death, so that you could live out some fairy tale fucking dream? Did you not think of who you hurt? You've been my best friend since fucking birth, my brother, and you make me think that you were dead?"


My heart was pounding from rage, Afanas seemed completely unfazed by my furious reaction.


"I-I didn't know what to do, Sin! I couldn't become a fucking father, and try to protect my child while still in the Mafia! I'm your fucking second in command for God sake, the second my kid was old enough to hold a gun, he'd be sworn in and become a fucking monster. No good man wants that for his family!"


I didn't waste a second.


"I'm the fucking leader of the Russian Mafia, Afanas. Did that ever occur to you? I could have kept you, Rachel and the baby safe!"


"Sinister...you can't even keep Calla safe." The second the words came out of his mouth, I knew he regretted them.


But the damage was already done.


"You can't fucking say that..." my voice broke "man you know how hard I try to keep her safe. You know how much she means to me..."


He nodded, "I know...all I meant to say, was that it's too much to ask of you. You can't keep everyone safe, Sin. You gotta know that."


I didn't say anything. For a man with so much power and influence, I felt so fucking useless.


Afanas's face dropped, "You weren't supposed to feel this much, man. You were supposed to be sad for a little...but move on. You were supposed to live out the rest of your life with the love of your life...you were never supposed to feel this much."


My fists clenched, "Well what the fuck did you expect, huh? I thought I watched my best friend, my brother, die right in front of me. And I felt so fucking useless and fucking depressed, because I never thought I'd lose you, but I did, and even though it was never supposed to happen, it did. And I never got to say goodbye, and I never got to tell you how thankful I was, or how sorry I was or..."


My voice trailed off as I held my head in my hands, my breathing was short and ragged as I did my best attempt to process.


"You will never understand what your death did to me." I choked out.


I refused to look at him, I could't. Because every time I looked at him, flashbacks flooded my mind and all I could see was him drowning in a pool of his own blood, a gunshot wound embedded in his chest as he croaked out, what I thought, were his final words


"Sinister, I'm sorry" his voice cracked "but I needed this. I'm not you, man. We're the same person in a lot of ways, one of which being that we both grew up in the Mafia, but the difference is, that I never wanted this life."


He laughed as he motioned around him, "this, this is what I want. A girl who I love, a child, and a shitty little house in the middle of fucking nowhere. Not guns, and death and murder. It's not what I wanted then and it's not what I want now."


I sighed, "you should have told me."


He smiled sadly, "you wouldn't have understood. This, this job, is your life, man. You've never imagined doing anything else...I've always wanted so much more. The only way to leave the Mafia, is death. You know that. There's no other way. And I'm sorry I had to deceive you and lie to you, but I needed to be selfish. Just this once I needed to be selfish, because you wouldn't have understood."


I felt millions of questions stabbing my mind, but it was so fucking hard for me to speak. I could barley even look at him in the eyes.


"You always seemed like you...enjoyed it. The Mafia life, I mean. You loved the drugs and the sex and the killing..." My shaky voice trailed off.


Afanas gave me another sad smile, "Something inside of me was always hurting, Sinister. That's why I needed the weed and the coke and the death and the sex...it was so that I would never be sober enough to realize what I truly wanted."


I felt so fucking stupid for never knowing. I didn't even truly know my best friend. I never knew he was unhappy or depressed. I never knew he wanted more. I've always known that he deserved more, I just didn't know he really wanted it.


He had never struck me as the kind of guy to settle down. The kind of guy who would buy a house with a big lawn and a wooden porch. I never thought of Afanas as the type of guy to fall in love.


Then again, no one ever expected me to find love, and I did. No one ever expected the cold, ruthless monster that I was, to fall so hard. But I did, and what gives me the right to expect any less of someone like Afanas?


My eyes finally met his, and I think I finally saw it.


That slight glimmer in his dark eyes, the hunger in the darkness that strivef for more and demanded better.


"So..." I said slowly, resting my hand on his shoulder, just to check one last time that he was truly there. That he was truly alive.


"What's next?"


***


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