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***
When you lose someone, you try to remember the last time you saw them. And most of the time, it's a blurry memory, because at that time, you had no idea it would be your last.

I sat on the bed of Afanas's house, watching as Rachel packed a bag.

She hadn't been eating or sleeping for the past week. she hadn't even spoken to me until today when she invited me over.

She was flying to North Carolina to stay with her parents for awhile, she said she needed some time to readjust to everything.

"How long do you think you'll be gone?" I asked quietly, playing with the sheets of the bed.

She sniffed, shoving clothes into the suitcase. Her hair was oily, her skin was pale and pasty.

"A while, I guess. I'm not sure." She shrugged, pulling her lifeless hair into a ponytail.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked quietly.

"Not really."

"It feels better to talk about it, Rach." I tried again, forcing her to look at me.

She dropped the bag on the bed, "I don't know what to say, Cal. I don't know how to deal with it. It feels like just yesterday we were interrupting a church ceremony, and now..."

Her voice trailed off, and she looked around the room. Her eyes watering.

"It's weird how you think you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life. You expect to wake up next to them every morning. But then one day, you wake up, and they're gone. And they're never coming back. I never even got to tell him I loved him, and that sucks. That fucking sucks."

She wiped a tear that fell down her cheek.

I held her hand in mine, "he knew you loved him, Rach. You didn't need to say it."

She shrugged, "there's nothing I could do about it. He risked his life for you, he saved you, and now he's gone."

I frowned, sitting up straight, "you're not blaming me? Are you?"

She glanced at me, "No, it's not your fault you're getting kidnapped every fucking day, relying on people to save you."

"What do y—

"Look" she sat up "I'm not blaming you. I'm just upset. I'm going to go now, Sinister is sending someone to come with me and look out for me. Don't worry about me, Cal." She grabbed the suitcase off the bed.

"I love you, Rach. I'm truly sorry." I said quietly.

She nodded, shooting me a small smile, before walking out of the room.

I sat there for awhile, and it hit me. It's true, I've been kidnapped so many fucking times now, counting on the moment that Sinister would swoop in and save the day.

I've never been able to fend for myself.

I will not let someone die for me again, I will never again be that fucking damsel in distress. It's the worst feeling in the world, feeling useless. Like something so small, and insignificant, that it lets the wind throw it around and decide it's fate.

I stood from the bed, walking around Afanas's room.

It described him perfectly. It was dark, and simple. There were guns lining the walls, bags of weed and cocaine shoved into open drawers.

There was a picture on his dresser, and I recognized it instantly.

It was taken on Christmas Eve of last year, the night that Sinister proposed to me.

Sinister, Afanas and I were huddled on the couch, I sat in the middle, the two men on either side of me,

We looked so fucking happy. And it made me feel like crying, because I would give anything to go back to that moment, and stay there forever.

Afanas was truly my best friend.

There was a knock on the door, and Sebastian walked in.

His spiky blonde hair fell around his eyes, he looked tired, his hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie.

"How are you doing, darlin' ?" He asked softly, forcing a smile.

I could tell he had been crying. But he'd never admit it to me. Men feel like they need to bottle up their emotions, and hide their tears from the world. Men like that, think hiding their pain makes them stronger. But in reality, it's one of the saddest things, to see a person force a smile, when on the inside, they feel broken,

"I'm not sure." I said quietly, sitting back on the bed, holding the picture frame close to my heart.

Sebastian sat next to me.

"He loved you so much, Calla. Don't feel guilty about what happened. He knew what he was doing." He said softly.

My thumbs trailed the pictures edges, "I know. It just hurts to think that he thought my life was worth living, and his wasn't."

Sebastian sighed, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

"It's not that he thought his life was inferior, but rather your life was too young. You never wanted this life, he knew that. I think, him diving in front of that bullet, was his way of giving you a second chance."

I leaned into Sebastian, fighting a flood of tears that tried to hard to break though.

"I don't like feeling this way." I sobbed, "it hurts, it fucking hurts."

He rubbed my shoulders, laying his head on top of mine,

"I know, darlin', I know. Don't try to hide your pain, let it out. It's that kind of pain, that makes you stronger than any of us."

I wiped a tear with the sleeve of my jacket,

"I've been through a lot of shit, but everyday it gets worse. Afanas is dead, and you know what? I don't know how things will ever get better."

Sebastian sighed, "no matter how long it takes, it will get better. No matter how many tears, there will always be a time when your eyes stop crying, and start shining again. Life is one, big rubber band. It'll stretch to one end, but it'll always come back in the end."

I nodded, burying my face into the warmth of his sweatshirt.

"How's Sinister doing?" I asked quietly.

He shrugged, "I couldn't tell you. He's been working non stop. The only reason I'm here, is because he knows we're close. He wanted me to be here for you."

I frowned, "it should be him that's with me. Not you."

He smiled, "I'll pretend like that didn't offend me. But you gotta understand darlin', Sinister just lost his best friend, father, brother, and cousin. Some of those men might have deserved the death they got, but they doesn't make up for the pain he's feeling. People in your life can be terrible, but you still feel empty when they're gone."

I closed my eyes, nodding through a tear.

Sebastian ran his hands through my hair, trying to calm me down.

I hadn't seen Sinister since the funeral. He hadn't been home. And I needed him right now.

I understand that he's going through more than anyone else, but that didn't change the fact that I needed him.

"I don't want to be weak anymore." I whispered.

Sebastian paused, "darlin'. Do you understand how strong you are?"

I shook my head, sniffing as I lifted myself out of his arms.

"I'm not talking about the shit that I've overcome, I'm talking about the things that are still to come. I don't ever want to be put back into that situation I was in. I never want to be the reason people die. The next time someone has a gun to my head, I want to be the one to take that bullet. Even then, I never want someone to have a gun to my head. I never want to be on the brink of death, because the next time someone is about to die. I want to be the girl with the gun. I want to be the one pulling the trigger. I'm tired of being a little, helpless angel. I never want there to be a next time. I've learned something, these past few days. I'm not a fucking angel anymore, I'm not helpless. I'm the fucking devil, and the next time someone fucks with me, I'll pull the trigger and burn everything."

We were silent for awhile,

I'm not a little girl anymore. No one will die for me ever again.

I will burn everything.

***

Xx -Aleksei

Not edited, sorry loves!

I know the book has been depressing the past few chapters, but I promise it won't last.

Calla is about to become a wholeee new person!!