"Her eyes seem so familiar - as if I have met her in the distinct past"

Have you ever fallen in love ?
20, 21 , 22 - those are perfect ages to experience this sensation - thinking about the opposite gender all day - filling up our schedules only with the thoughts of the other person.

Of course, Love is more passive. Rather than something we can produce, it is something that comes to us at the most unexpected time - like a heavy drizzle in the middle of the spring. Refreshing yet puzzling.

What do you do when you fall in love? What do you do to first verify that you are in love with the person? They might be your friend. A pretty stranger. A part-time worker at your favorite cafe. Whatever. But when you fall in love, you start to overthink. You overthink concerningly. Everyone has gone through that phase right - don't lie.

I also have someone I like. At least if my feelings don't betray, I think it is love. I feel excited when I am together with her. I feel so anticipated being with her so that I can see her smile, her eyes, her awkwardness all day long. She is pretty, and overwhelmingly popular. Her friendly and outgoing personality matches inseparably with her stylish elegant structure.

But sometimes, I feel so heavy. I feel so burdened. Although I am head over heels for the queen, I can no longer interpret her feelings for me. Sometimes, I could feel like I am the most special person to her. Sometimes, I am nothing but one of her strangers. The relationship between both of us is annoyingly inconsistent. And I hate it. or specifically I am lost -

whether I should hold on or let it go all along - it doesn't matter since everything - whatever out of the two is going to hurt me.

........

Kakao Talk Messages

Yesterday

한솔
Tomorrow 2 pm don't forget
한솔
Cannot wait to see you

Today

한솔
The forecast said it might rain today.
Don't forget to bring an umbrella.
한솔
I am almost there.

체영
The rain is very heavy suddenly. I think it is impossible to go out in this situation. What a shame. Let's meet again next time. :((

That thing that I was holding onto.
No, that I chose to hold onto.
that thing was like clouds.
When it rains,
it evaporates into nowhere.

As the wrath of the spring rain pours angrily with continuously intensity welcoming the unfriendly wind, it almost felt like a small storm. Are there anyone who is foolish enough to stand right in the middle of it with a small umbrella barely enough to cover a body? Shivers crawl as I feel the leaks drench my body into a soaking state - although I fail to notice the difference between that and a confused anger.

It is impossible to go out in this situation.
But
But I did for you.
Why can't you do that for me ?

Honestly, heaven knows how much I am looking forward to this day. It is the first time she agreed to hang out together - without companions on each side.

Who should I blame when it shatters, is it the uninvited rain or the unrelentless me that is still mindlessly holding on?

Please write it in the clouds. Her name is

Lee Chaeyoung.

.....

Not long after the human system kicks in an alarming response. Filled with sadness and uncertainty, these huge drizzles are out of order - indeed. But the cold stimulating the spine and the uncomfortable responses from my dripping clothes make me at least find a nearby roof. At least something that can fend off from the rain for a while.

Luckily , I am in a busy street. Mostly a place where university students use to eat and play together - after their long jet lag of overloaded studies. Unluckily , most homes are restaurants - which I don't feel right to seek for shelter without ordering anything in return. In terms of a lunch exchange , I am not hungry at all. Although I did not have anything earlier cept breakfast , love really makes you forget stuffs after all.

I drag the half-conscious body across different food stalls - finding for a miracle - a place that makes sense - that I could rest for an hour long until the rain starts to pack its weapons back home.

.....

Although there are not a lot of people inside, the digital noises and electrical music as well as random inputs of buttons could compete the buzzling Zeus outside. The arcade station. Uncommon in most places of Seoul but plenty in streets like such - where it accompanies virtual loads of fun packaged through dancing machines, claw cranes and shooting simulation. It is heavenly when you come with either your other half or the chaotic friends of course - but in isolation - this place is no more than a formal shelter for me. And I believe most lives inside the building is thinking the same perspective as me as well.

Am I good at arcades? Are you curious about that too? Well, for me it depends. depends on what kind of game I am playing. If it is a digital simulation, whether shooting at zombies or racing motorcycles, I would completely bottle them. But if it is a something integrated with physical technique, like knocking down cans, I stand a pretty decent chance. Speaking of which, due to the might of rain not showing a single sign of reducing its pace, I walk around to settle on something to kill some time - and probably half of my wallet too. The place is not big compared to most arcades you can see at such streets - in fact - the word 'tiny' can even come as an expression here. Thus, there are not much to play around - mostly filled with game stations that either not fun at all or that I am not good at. Last, I end up choosing the most classic treat - the claw crane.

Surprisingly the place somehow has a very large selection of claw cranes - actually the entire corner full of space is dedicated to them. Business moves indeed - as claw cranes are notorious for cash grabs yet they are still the most popular among koreans. Even some shelter seekers are trying their luck as I can see several figures trying to land the claw right in front of the toys. I quickly exchange some coins and start to relive my youth. Actually I shouldn't have said that :3 . I am still 21 in korean age -

There are so many beautiful toys - from stuffed dolls to boxed wonders - thousands lie inside the glass cabinet waiting for skills hand to escort them out. Looking at options for a while, I decide to just settle for a simple one - which has variety of different soft animal plushies - from yellow ducks, green dinosaurs to cute bears and huggly dogs. I inserted my first 500 won coin and take the action to control the claw.

.....

It missed. It is a shame really. Right as the claw is grabbing the stuffed panda firmly, it somehow loses it grasp during the pull up - and ends up dropping the reward near the delivery tube. The momentum is too out of the world for something grabbed that tightly to be fall back out of balance - I start to understand while teens are eager to question the legitimacy of such machines.

But it doesn't matter. I feel a bit frustrated for breaking the consecutive chain of course. It would have been 9th successive grab in the row. But on the cabinet beside me proudly sits 8 different plushies - all I obtained from a single grab. I can be satisfied with that.

Rain is smoothly pouring less and less and in a few minutes , it will leave the battlegrounds most certainly. Feeling tense after a failure , instead of going for another trial , I just decide to pack my cute toys and wait until the weather shows me a green flag to progress.

A dim memory comes in again while thinking about leaving. Where should I go? I would have been going around with her in these streets. I would have been buying her delicious food. Now I look like a man-child with bag of plushies. No. I look like a hopeless person who keeps lying to himself that there is hope.

Of course . I feel sad. I love her. This is not even a rejection. But rather a rain check. Literally. But I don't know why I am overeacting like this. Yeah. I know myself. I am exaggerating this.

.....

"Hello ?" A small whisper follows the gentle tap on my shoulder. I turn my head curiously - almost bump my lips into her fresh face. Don't scold me . She is standing way too close.

There is a huge string of awkwardness until I pull back my face and behave myself. Strangely enough, I have never seen the girl before. I can safely say she is even not from my university at all. Honestly speaking, she is also a pretty girl. Small eyes, slim figure, glistening skin, shiny lips. And her fashion sense is young and soulful. Cept she doesn't carry the look of a normal Korean. Not being stereotypical but she resembles more like a foreigner than a pure Korean.

Hansol : Yes ?
The girl : I am sorry for bothering but.
The girl : ...
The girl : ....
The girl : *playing her eyes around*
The girl : ...
The girl : h-how should I s-say this ?
The girl : deep breaths hina deep breaths
The girl : so I was looking at you from afar and ..
The girl : You seem to be very good at playing claw cranes.
The girl : Me and my friend are trying all evening but cannot get a single prize.
The girl : If you don't mind , can you give me one of your toys ?
The girl : i am really sorry for asking t-this.
The girl : *closing her eyes - dying of embarrassment*
The girl : sorry I will leave

First time in my life I am stumbled with such a request like this so I will not lie and say it is expected. But the hesitation of the shorter girl in process of asking this to me is youthfully cute. It makes me smile. And I don't mind not bringing all 8 of them home.

Hansol : here

I hand her a penguin toy because it is the cutest one, I won so far, and I do a wild guess she must be nagging for cute stuffs either. Her face glimmers in surprise when I stretch my hand to her. She enters her endless arrays of bowing to me and saying thank you for a few consecutive minutes. It is nothing really, but I feel a bit less painful by receiving a sudden chance of helping out someone.

The girl : Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Really you make me happy. Thank you so much.
Hansol : *just smiles*
The girl : (whispers) wow. hina it really works.
Hansol : ...
Hansol : ah so your name is Hina ?
The girl : a-ah ahh
The girl : did I speak it too loud ?
Hina : Yes . Nagai Hina !
Hansol : Japanes-
Hansol : *pauses*
Hansol : Oh sorry - Japanese?
Hina : *nods*
Hansol : Your korean is good.
Hina : a-ahh
Hina : Thank you so much.
Hina : I am living here for 3 years now.
Hansol : 3 years. wow ! Where are you from ? Tokyo ?
Hina : Tokyo ! Bingo !
Hansol : Beautiful place - right ? Train of life ? Tree of hopes ? Museum of dreams ?
Hina : ...
Hina : The alters.
Hina : How do you know those places? Are you also fro-
Hansol : No.
Hansol : I am from Seoul.
Hansol : I know them.
Hansol : because of a past

I stare at her after the last sentence. Coming from Tokyo, knowing the four great alters, it is too precise to be a coincidence. Although it is missing the last and most important part of the vow, I sense a ring of hope from her aura.

When you least expected.
When you think you can forget and move on

The past comes again to remind you
To fill yourself with it.
To cry yourself to it.
To break yourself apart.

But the past is what I am searching for.
No.
The past is who I am searching for.

And today -
I think I might find a opening door.

It wakes me up from the slumber.
Now I miss you again.
Yurina.

.....

I handed her one more toy since she mentions her friend also and she happily accepts with another sequence of thank you. She is an outgoing and well-mannered girl that surely was born with the talent to make friends easily and start conversations without fear. Completely different from someone else.

And of course - I did not miss to pertake a chance to know more about her. After all , she might be the shadow of my past.

Hansol : Oh by the way
Hina : ...
Hansol : My name is Ji Hansol.
Hansol : *smiles*
Hansol : It was very nice talking with you.
Hansol : ...
Hansol : Do you want to be friends?
Hina : ....
Hina : *smiles*
Hina : 좋아

.....

"The yellow thing you are wearing"

I point at her upper wrist - there is a yellow plain bracelet clicked to her skin. The empty surface is reflecting the shiny neon lights as if it is having its own season of summer.

She looks down at what I am staring up and smiles - mysterious smile - I cannot make up her reasoning between this. But I could have a chance to quick glance at her right arm. To my surprise - there is nothing. No birth marks.

Is the vow broken ? Or is it only partially activated ?

Hina : Isn't that pretty ?
Hansol : Why are you wearing that?
Hina : ...
Hina : I can't ?
Hansol : No no not at all
Hansol : just
Hansol : curious ?
Hina : It is actually Chaehy-
Hina : Oh fuck
Hina : Chaehyun ?
Hina : Oppa .
Hina : I have to go now. Thank you for the toys.
Hina : I will call you later.
Hansol : ...

Like a flash of wind , or the timeless shortness of the cherry blossom in the spring , the younger girl darts out of the room filled with claw cranes - hugging the two dolls you have kindly presented. Still , her random appearance seems to have tear up a sensitive hole inside my chest - as I am left with complex formulas of confusion - all leading to uncertainty.

.....

"Hello..again ? " You looked over your shoulders to find a familiar face again. The short and refreshing face of hers. She is looking as soulful as always, yet her eyes are suspiciously shuffling a lot - indicating either a nervousness or a dishonesty. She is holding a brown bear doll - the second one I handed to her intending for her friend. I am really puzzled when she suddenly pulls in and hands that back to me.

"I am sorry to ask again but" the girl takes a deep breathe again - probably preparing for another introduction of a grand request. I fix at her - waiting for her to unfold - while denying not to think about possible options.

Hina : Unnie..
Hina : Chaehyun unnie said -
Hina : she doesn't like bears
Hina : She only wants a single toy from this place.
Hina : The one we have been trying the entire evening
Hina : that's why..
Hina : She gave you back this doll.
Hina : oh oh she did said thank you though
Hansol : ...
Hansol : *smiles*

"what a favoritism. what a girl" I thought myself amusely when gently exchanging the hand that is rubbing the animated bear.

Hina : sad..
Hansol : What did you say ?
Hina : Unnie looks sad
Hina : ..
Hina : If possible..
Hina : Can you help her win the prize?
Hansol : ....
Hansol : Which one?

The girl seems over the moon as she joyfully leads me the way to the claw machine they are camping the entire time. She must have really cherished her other friend. Haven't met yet but I cannot lie even I am growing curious for their relationship.

"This one" - she sentences - pointing at the medium size cabinet filled with toys of all sources. But the majority of them are octopus dolls which can change between sad and happy faces by turning one upside down.

"Where is your friend?" I ask out of pure inquisitiveness. Hina swings her neck around in search before replying "I don't know".

"Anyway, this is the one she wants" - she point around the mess of plushies - her tone uplifting with enthusiasm - her excited phase hints that she can be jumping up and down relentlessly in no time. I glanced at the toy she is indicating. It is a dolphin but instead of a ordinary blue color, this mutant alternative has pink gradient on the body and in the place of an upper fin, there is a white ribbon smally swirled around.

The cute creation reminds me of Noah.

Noah.

The cute creation reminds me of Noah. No. It is exactly like Noah.

Maze of past maize grains on me again as I get lost in the trains of thoughts again. But this time - I manage to keep my cool by carefully maintaining consciousness.

"Does your friend want this toy? " i throw a question at her suddenly - she nods - still wearing that wide smile.

"Omm ! She said it reminds her of someth-"

"Wait what did you say?" I rudely cut her off. Her smile fades unobtrusively for such aggressiveness- but the pretty smile blooms immediately back after a pause.

" it reminds her of something else! Why? Why? Does it remind you of something else too? "

" Yes" - I whisper underneath my breathe - a random glance at the shorter girl does notice that her wrist no longer has that yellow prism.

.....

Two eyes are set on the same metallic claw that is crawling with less momentum - no one's daring to break the silence. Both of them are too focused as my sweaty hand press the button gently.

The claw slides down to the target and with laser precision grabs the oceanic mammal that I am aiming for. With weight in hand , it raises back up slowly - now I could only wish for it to carry it carefully to the end.

Hina must be having boomburst in her mind - holding both thumbs near her lips and observing the machine in a dim silence - her eyes shivering from nervousness and excitement cocktailed. Yet those round eyes gets more jewel coated and the edge of her lips get more near to each other - as the machine escorts the toy throughout the hole and releases -

"Got it" - I scream in delight and funnily find her doing the same. We spend the next few seconds accidentally making an eye contact and ending up staring into each other without a spoken word. "Thank you" - Finally, she smiles and breaks the gaze - trying to snatch the dolphin gently - but cannot seem to overcome the tension that my fingers are grasping - deliberately.

Because I have a funny feeling in my mind that I am standing this close to the puzzle that I was searching for my whole life - so I do not want to waste my chance not asking for the key to open that door.

"This is for your friend , right ? " I rhetorically approach -

"Can I give it to her in person?"

.....

"unnie , Chaehyun unnie" - the Japanese girl tiptoes to her friend in a adrenaline rush. She is panting from sprinting such hyperactively, yet her voice still sounds sharp and clear. She zooms towards another girl outside - apparently sunny right now - who is putting her hand out feeling for remains of raindrop. Standing in opposite direction and additionally because of the opened non-transparent umbrella, I could hardly identify the new girl - all I can leak is she has pretty blonde hair - combed elegantly and while combined with the prismatic sunrays, it gives off an expensive aura.

Hina , bestowing her playful nature - taps on the shoulder on the seemingly reserved girl numerous times. The girl slowly unfolds her umbrella and puts it between her fingers - before spinning clockwise to response to the motion.

That's when our eyes first met.

I am not intentionally looking at her and I am sure she is not either. Outside that dark aura exists a sketchy eye - shining so bright that it could even have two moons circling in its orbit. She does not even smile but one can bet his while fortune that a smile produced from such lips is going to be a beauty. She is a gorgeous girl, but she oddly emits a royalty vibe - as well as a very mysterious aura.

It is the first time that I meet her. Honestly. It is the first time that i have seen those eyes. But they seems very familiar. She seems very familiar. Like I have met her before.

A girl answers with her chin before Hina gets all excited pointing at me and her bucket listed toys. I simply smile at her and break away the gaze - the elegancy she emits is too strange to handle. She smiles after seeing the toy - all of the tensile expressions from her suddenly turn soft as she shows her teeth like a baby. I am not wrong about her smile. Van Gogh could overthrow Davichi if he decided to turn it into a canvas.

She walks towards me and grabs the marine animal - this time I let it go slowly. She pats the head of the animated swimmer - still smiling with pure joy - before lifting her eyes up at me and whispering - "Thank you".

"Chaehyun ? Is it your name ? " As if she is turning back at her other friend to make for a return , my call does surprise her. She twists her body again and stares at me with wide eyes.

"Yes. How do you know?" She asks gently - I point at Hina while she just nods a several time - holding her right sleeves firmly with the left hand while the right hugging the dolphin.

Hansol : ...
Hansol : I heard you want this dolphin a lot.
Hansol : really?

She nods - in emotionless colors as if she is reminiscenting something.

Hansol : why ?
Hansol : may I know why you want this dolphin so much ?

I never realize I am being too direct to make her uncomfortable. I also do not recognize her shuffling eyes and attempts to avoid eye contacts.

Chaehyun : just
Chaehyun : it looks cute..
Hansol : Hina said it resembles you of something else.
Chaehyun : ..
Hansol : Can I know what it is ?
Chaehyun : why ? why are you asking me question out of nowhere?
Chaehyun : I don't even know your name yet.
Chaehyun : and..
Chaehyun : you don't need to know what it resembles me off.

Her voice suddenly raises in tempo as softness turns sharp. As her eyes redden , I fear I am being too much aggresive.

Hansol : I am sorry.
Hansol : I am really sorry.
Hansol : I am a sociology major.
Hansol : my recent project is to survey about people relationship with toys.
Hansol : and s-since I get this chance here , I ask you too.
Hansol : I shouldn't have. I am sorry
Chaehyun : ah-ahh

What a smooth criminal I am. I lie to get herself out of that discomfort zone as she pauses to clarify her doubts. I am indeed a sociology major but the other sequences are improvisions. But even Hina seems to believe my words as she looks at me with surprised iris.

Hansol : Do you know Noah ?
Chaehyun : N-Noya ?
Hansol : ...
Chaehyun : ....
Chaehyun : What is that ?

She looks at me with confused eyes as she hears the otherworldly name for the first time. The sharpness in her eyes suggests she is being purely honest with her situation. But she is not the only one who is confused. I am bewildered by the complexity of the situation. Whenever I think it is right in front of me, it becomes so far again.

"Nothing. Forget it" I cut off my own topic as she turns her head back to her friends - walking pacily. She doesn't seem like she wants to engage in a very specific conversation with me anymore. A quick search at her wrist results nothing as her long sleeve silk jacket is covering her skin up to the index fingers.

"We must go now. See you later" - Hina cheerfully bids farewell at me while Chaehyun just reluctantly nods in follow up. I wave my hands to signature my greeting as the two phantoms drive transparent into the far sun.

But one thing remains unsolved inside my heart. Those familiar eyes. I still don't blame if they follow me towards my every nightless lullaby.

I think I might have found you. Yurina