i had perogies and dumplings today and they were immaculate </3

***

"Where the hell is Lucas?"

Angie Nguyen asks this question from the doorway. She's leaning against the frame, eyes narrowed and arms crossed over her chest.

I let my shoulders fall into an easy shrug. "Hell if I know." I'm amazed at my ability to manage the nonchalance. Because despite my tone, my insides feel like a fucking tsunami. I've spent hours upon hours thinking about him, where he is, what he's doing, if he's okay.

Angie walks into my room, eyes incredulous. "Is this seriously being fucked up already?" She asks, voice shocked and arms outstretched on either side, fingertips peeking out from an oversized sweater.

"Why would you care?" I ask, letting out a dry laugh. "You literally said that you didn't have any faith in me yourself, and now you're surprised that Lucas left as fast as he could?"

Like everyone else?

"That's not true," Angie says, knitting her eyebrows together, her head shaking from side to side.

"Yeah," I drag on the single word, let it slip from my tongue like molasses, "I doubt that."

"Hey," Angie says, leaning against my desk, slightly leaning forward. "He likes you. A lot. Trust me."

"Does it matter though?" I ask, eyebrows knitting together. "I'm pretty sure I screwed it up. Just like I was bound to. So, congratu-fucking-lations, you were right about me." My voice strains. "Everyone was right about me."

"Shut the fuck up," Angie says, shaking her head. "That's not true. Maybe you don't have high expectations of yourself, but you don't get to speak for everyone else." She drums her nails on the surface of my desk, irritation crawling up her features.

"Look," I say, looking up, shoulders sagging. "I'm constantly ruining my relationships. You know what happened with Will—"

A frustrated crimson rises to Angie's face. "You know what your problem is?" She asks, plowing on without waiting for a response. "You don't expect shit from yourself, so you don't even try." I raise a hand in objection, but she waves my hand down. 

"Or even worse," she says, "you act like you don't care, but when you think someone's drifting away from you, you hold onto them tighter until you lose them completely." Her hands clench into fists that I'm guessing are supposed to represent her statement. "That's what happened with Will." She meets my eyes this time.

"And you know what's happening with Lucas?" This time I don't try to object to her rhetorical question, letting her continue, "you're so afraid of losing him that you don't want to make shit official, so that if anything happens, you won't feel like you lost him." Her eyes soften.

"You're trying to save your heart, Jace. But the only way to love someone completely is to risk shit."

I stare at her, blinking blankly.

Her bunny slippers tap rhythmically on the carpeting of my room. "You automatically assume that you're going to fuck things up. And then you do." She shakes her head, an incredulous laugh escaping her lips. "It's like Macbeth or something. You're making this some unavoidable fate when it's totally avoidable."

"Yeah, but—" I start, although excuses fall through my fingers like granules of sand.

"And I don't give a shit about what Ms. Willis says." Her eyes are intense, firm. "You're not a fuck-up, Jason. So, step the hell up and go get your man."

She stares at me, face swirling with that crimson intensity. I stare back at her, blinking a couple of times, almost as though asking if she's finally done her monologue. Instead, the words she said play over in my head over and over again.

"That was..." I start, squinting, "kind of nice of you to say?" I squint once more. "I feel like there was a compliment in there somewhere, but I can't tell." I finish, eyebrows scrunched bemusedly.

Angie claps her hands together. "I'm not repeating that shit again." A pause. "Now, get out of here." She gestures towards my door, and I blink.

"What, now?"

"Did I stutter, Nguyen?" Angie says, her deadpan expression causing me to keep my mouth shut, which I firmly believe is the wiser option.

Rolling my eyes, I rise to my feet. And soon, I'm out the doorway, one lazy salute sent towards Angie who watches me leave expectantly.

In seconds, I'm out of the front door, shutting it behind me. My feet move faster than my mind does as I arrive at the driveway, sliding into my own car. Once seated, I let my breaths slow and my mind work.

Where could Lucas Garcia be?

He can't be far. It's only been about two or so hours, meaning he probably hasn't gone anywhere too far out of the neighborhood parameter. With that assurance, I start my car, the dark vehicle slowly moving around the neighborhood.

I drive past the water park a few blocks away. But, there's no Lucas. I inch from house to house, shop to shop, peering out at the front space, eyes scanning for only one person, to no avail.

Fucking think, Jason.

Magic Mix rises to my mind as my eyes fly open. He could be at Magic Mix.

About fifteen minutes later, I pull in front of said juice place, the neon colors almost burning through my irises. I give my dashboard a firm pat before unlocking the car and sliding out, the door shutting behind me.

Nerves tug at my chest, apprehension filling every part of my body until I can barely think anymore. I will my breaths to slow down, but they don't cooperate, not when Lucas Garcia isn't in sight yet.

Once in the juicery, I recognize tables upon tables of familiar teens. The mellow music fills the background, and people take slow sips out of their cold pressed drinks, some doing so while flipping through a book or scrolling through their phones.

I glance around, again and again. Hell, I even see Will, his boyfriend and their friends, all laughing as they stir their drinks.

I fucking see everybody except the one person that I'm looking for.

Feeling myself physically deflate, I run a slow hand through my hair, pushing the glass doors open as the outdoor sunlight greets me. My heart nearly seems to sink. I've fucked it up this time. Big time.

I'm about to deflate in totality when I hear a trill.

It's so subtle, so melodical that it nearly blends with the light beaming down on me, almost intertwining with the golden glow.

Then it's followed by a melody, a gentle one that fills the air.

My heart stutters and I blink, jogging over to the back of the store, the sun carefully inching towards the horizon.

And there he is.

He's leaning against the wall and singing. The script for a musical that I'm now all-too-familiar with is loosely held in his hands.

Sunset illustrates his profile, the slope of his nose, the curve of his lips. His eyes are glancing upwards, somewhere far, far away from here.

He's beautiful, so fucking beautiful. And I'm a complete and utter goner.

"Lucas," I call out, hand rising as my eyes catch onto his.

Lucas startles, lowering his script, his eyes shining once they catch onto me. "Jason?"

Our eyes find each other's, the raw emotion being exchanged, and just completely out there, in the air, nowhere to hide it.

Our lips both move.

"I'm sorry."

We say it both at once, and Lucas exhales one of those soft laughs, just as melodic as his music. "You first," he says gently.

My mind whirs with the right words as I exhale. "I just— I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry that I got so pissed at you." My eyes find his, my heart running ten miles per minute. "And I just really needed to tell you that our relationship is real to me." A pause. "It means everything."

His lips part slightly, and I nod, letting him know that I'm done. He shifts from foot to foot, curls tousling in the breeze, brown eyes attempting to compete with the sunset behind us, both mirroring each other like Lucas is made of pure sunset. 

"I'm sorry," Lucas says, voice soft. "I didn't want to strain anything between us." He breathes, attempting to slow his inhales, as though he's trying to calm himself down. "I shouldn't have said some of the things I said. At least, about you not caring about us."

There's a vulnerability that breaks out of his voice when he says, "I'm really used to guys screwing me over and a label is just," his eyes find the ground, his breaths coming in and out, before he finishes, "—comforting." 

And pieces start to slide together. There's a way in which Lucas Garcia says 'guys' that hits me with a startling realization that David Harris hasn't been the first to mess around with him. That Lucas Garcia has gone through more than one heartbreak.

That he's afraid that this one might be one more. 

My lips part, a slow understanding crossing my features, Angie's words echoing in my mind. You're trying to save your heart, Jace. But the only way to love someone completely is to risk shit.

But it's easier said than done. Lucas is standing in front of me, undoing himself so that I can see his vulnerabilities, the scars that hide behind wide grins and bright eyes. 

The scars that exist because he risked things. Risked things for people who crushed his open heart beneath the soles of their shoes.

He glances up at me once more. "I care about you, okay? So, so much. But, I've been screwed around with so many times before. And I really don't know what makes me different than anyone else you've ever been with before us." His eyes shake with a question, wide and scared and apprehensive. 

There's also a sliver of hope, one that faintly peeks out behind the speckles of his eyes.

"And the truth is," I say carefully, "I can't give you a perfect answer to that. But I really, really want to try. Because, I like being with you. And it's fucking scary, Lucas," I say, honestly, my voice wavering. 

"But, I want to go out with you. Like a date. For real this time," I rush through, before slowing down, eyes hopeful, "so... would you?"

Lucas stares at me, lips parting as his chest heaves. His eyes seem to glow. And before I can even blink, his arms are sliding around my shoulders. "Yes, Jason." His voice wavers, too, but this time he's smiling. "Yes, yes, yes."

And I don't feel like I'm on top of the world. Not something so small and insignificant. When he's smiling at me, I feel like I'm on top of the fucking universe.

***

Lucas and I slide the last of our picnic-esque paraphernalia into the blue cool box situated at the center of Ms. Willis' grand kitchen.

We rummage through the cupboard, tossing the occasional can of soda into the box, alongside some candy that Ms. Willis hasn't gotten her hands on yet.

A picnic. Such a fucking cliche idea, but any excuse to pack extra brownies and subs is one I'll take. Especially if it means being with Lucas Garcia.

Lucas has been meticulous the entire time, carefully wrapping things up and placing them into the cool box perfectly. It's almost entertaining to glance over at him, or see his perfect nose scrunch up every time I lazily toss something into the cool box.

Angie makes her way past the doorway, about to pass the kitchen in totality until she catches sight of us. With that, she unplugs her earbuds, hearing our easy conversation light the air, a grin curving onto her lips.

I mirror the grin, but with Lucas' back to her, the whole exchange flies over his head, lips pursed as he adjusts a container that is situated in the cool box.

With that, we make our way back out of the house and into the car. I open the trunk, shoving the cool box inside before sliding into the driver's seat, hands on the wheel as Lucas slides into the seat next to me.

Starting the car, I glide past the neighborhood houses that I'd so carefully passed by earlier today. Leaves dance in the wind, and trees sway back and forth as I move.

It takes me a couple of seconds to notice that Lucas' eyes are on me, large and pretty, a thoughtful lip purse crossing his features.

"I should've asked you out first." He finally rushes out as my eyes meet his, his cheeks flushing a faint pink.

"Beat you to it," I say, glancing over at him as a small smirk curves onto my lips. "Might as well call me Speedy Gonzales."

"Shut up," he says, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose as he lets out soft, genuine laughs, a grin curving onto his lips despite himself.

I return the grin, Lucas shaking his head as he connects one of his playlists to the car audio, Sweater Weather filling the air as a smile curves onto my lips.

"New addition for me?" I ask, eyebrows wiggling as Lucas just chuckles.

"Mainly," he says, tilting his head to the side, "but this song is a vibe. I like it."

"As you should," I grin, pulling into the clearing, the car coming to a stop right in front of the park. It's blanketed in pinks and purples, dark and yet bright at the same time. Sliding out of the car, I make my way to the trunk as Lucas falls into step with me, the two of us making our way out onto the field.

We spread the blanket across the ground, patterns glinting underneath the sky. I lower myself onto it, Lucas mirroring my actions as we start to rummage through the cool box, taking the food out.

Lucas places two glasses on the mat, one situated in front of him, and the other situated in front of me. 

With that, I take the sparkling apple juice from the cooler, Lucas watching as the golden liquid pours into his glass and reaches the rim.

Lucas gently nudges my foot with his, almost absentmindedly as he takes slow sips out of the glass. There's that flutter that goes on rampage in my chest, that feeling of fuck, his foot touched mine that I haven't felt in what feels like forever.

Time seems to slow, and my breath hitches in my chest as I take him in. Dark eyelashes that curve upwards, eyes brown and honey and everything in between, the first two buttons of his shirt undone, the little quirk of his lips that steals your heart away before I can even blink.

"I like your smile. It's beautiful." 

It's his words, gentle and genuine. When my eyes find his, his lips are quirked into a crooked grin, one that causes that thrumming of my heart in my chest once more.

And I wonder if he can sense the way my eyes stay on his, my eyes drop to his lips. In seconds, the grin becomes faint, and his bottom lip is brought beneath his teeth. I suck in a breath.

"What're you waiting for?" Lucas asks, and he's closer than he was just seconds ago. He's shifted so that he's half-seated in front of me, his breaths gently fanning my face once I shift closer to him in response.

His arms are gently slid around my neck, like they've always belonged there.

"Your permission," I answer, my eyes unable to tear away from his lips, and how much I need to feel them against mine.

"Permission granted," he says, and I let out one of those laughs, hand tucking a curl behind his ear. He's smiling, and I can't remember who initiates what, but in seconds, his lips are on mine, moving against them slowly and then quickly, as though time hangs in the balance.

I find myself falling back against the ground, our lips never unlatching, breathing heavy, hearts light.

He's pressed against me, one leg on either side of my torso, hands gliding over me as though I'm the most precious thing in the world.

My heart seems whole and shattered all at once.

And the rest of the night follows our kisses, quick bites out of the food we packed, shy smiles and un-meeting eyes.

The rest of the night consists of me playing Sweater Weather from Lucas' phone, our laughing as I spin him around, pull him against me.

I sing, something that usually never happens outside the comfort of my own shower. And Lucas seems entranced by it, the way his eyes rest on me, and lyrics escapes his lips. And the song comes to an end, as songs do.

But ours doesn't.

We stare at each other, chests slowly rising and falling. Lucas' eyes find mine, sincere and everything. That sliver of hope from the back of Magic Mix has returned, but this time, it dominates his entire face.

"Be with me."

It's a breath. Almost as though I can't hear it over the pounding of my own heart.

"Yes," I exhale.

"Yes?" He asks, that smile breaking onto his face.

"Yes." I repeat, almost so that it registers with me as well.

And there's a promise, a promise that I've given him this part of me that he'll always have. And while he has my heart, I have his.

And I keep smiling, and Lucas keeps returning it, because there's euphoria in the air. The type that can't ever be lost, can't ever disappear.

And I'd never want it to.

***

they have my entire heart pls </3