The weight of the world seems to be dragging me down as I make my way down the over crowded hallways of school the next day.

I'm so fucking exhausted.

My fist rubs at my eyes, the bags beneath them more than prominent. I haven't been this out-of-it in months. 

I make sure to keep my head down, weaving around the different students, dark waves falling in front of my eyes. 

But before I can slip into the next classroom unnoticed, three all-too-familiar people come to a stop in front of me, bringing me to a reluctant halt.

"Jason!" I hear Dani's voice rise, hands rising to her chest as Riya makes her way closer to me, eyes widened as she asks, "where were you?"

A flurry of questions greet me, the two girls talking a mile a minute, Dani distractedly pushing curls out of her face as questions slip from her lips, concern dripping from her tone. Concern that's equally matched by Riya whose hair is pulled into an easy side-bun, eyes glazing over in worry.

Amir stands silently, eyes carefully gracing the scene, eyebrows gently raised.

I can't even begin to answer the questions. It's all too fucking overwhelming. My head starts to pound as I try to process everything, but the gears in my mind are stuck, and all I gain in return for my effort is a throbbing headache.

My eyes squeeze shut before they blink, trying to clear my mind.

Amir's eyes soften, and he carefully nudges both girls. And when he turns to me, it's almost like the look in his eyes can practically see how drained I am.

"We'll talk at lunch," Amir says lightly, my two other friends quieting as Amir guides them away. Before leaving, though, Amir turns towards me, eyes careful as he gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder.

And then they're gone, leaving me in the hallway as I attempt to navigate through my own swirling thoughts.

***

When lunch rolls around, I sidle into my usual seat, chin resting on my arms as my eyes flick around the cafeteria. From across the cafeteria, Ellie Evans stares at me from the GSA table. Her lips are pulled into a thin line and I give it my all to pointedly ignore her gaze.

Instead, I focus on the rumble of students, the hunger eating at my stomach and the football players at the center table, shoving each other and letting out barks of laughter as they force one unlucky member to chug down some mystery drink.

Before I can roll my eyes at the sight, someone slides into the seat across from me. However, I don't look up until a plastic bowl of ramen is slid across the table and lands right in front of me.

Amir slides the fork across the table along with it, and Dani slides into the seat next to him, a grin tugging at her lips at the scene.

"Got some chicken noodle soup for you," Dani says, eyes still smiling as Riya plops onto the seat next to me, headphones on as she distractedly cusses while flipping through a massive textbook.

My lips move and a small "thanks" escapes my lips as I pull the lid off the bowl. I grab the fork, twirling it between my fingers before shoving it into the bowl and taking a few reluctant fork-fulls of noodles.

And I let the flavor consume my taste buds, eyes fluttering shut as the savory taste takes over.

When my eyes finally open, I'm keenly aware of all my friends whose eyes are burning into my flesh despite attempting to be subtle. 

And being insanely unsuccessful at it.

I give them an utterly deadpanned expression from where I'm seated, both eyebrows raised.

"Jason," Dani asks gently, "what happened that night?"

And it should be such an easy question to answer. I trill my lips, exhale a breath, let my eyes drift to the table. "I fucked up."

"Don't be shy, tell us more," Riya says, and to her credit, she maintains a straight face while saying so. That being said, it doesn't stop Dani from kicking her from underneath the table.

I roll my eyes, but let out a shaky breath as I'm transported back to what exactly happened that night. And while I want to tell them, I don't want to tell them. Because telling them means I'm opening what might be the most vulnerable part of my life up to them.

It's one thing for them to know that I sing along to Linkin Park in my sleep, or that I went through a phase that involved a hell lot of dark make-up and angsty chains, or that when I was seven, I found a terrier at the back of a homeless shelter and tried to smuggle it back to the home I was living in at the time, or that I called the puppy Terry because twelve-year-old Jason was original like that.

They already know that my first kiss with a boy was in the backyard of a middle school party, and it fucking shaped my queerness. 

But to tell them that I'm afraid to go home sometimes, that my anxiety has been crippling me lately, that Ms. Willis tears into me whenever we're at home together... that's something I've never wanted to share.

But when my eyes open once more and I see the concern and the fucking care emanating from my friends, it's impossible for me to not tell.

So, I swallow my pride and let it all out.

I tell them about the entire foster system, moving from home to home, something that they were already aware of, but this time, my descriptions are more in-depth. I tell them about Nana dying, about Ms. Willis inheriting everything from her aunt. I tell them about Ms. Willis shooting out slurs every time I pass by her in the house, about her assigning me to the most stress-inducing jobs at the times when I need them the least.

I tell them about what happened that day.

My hands run through my hair. "She wouldn't let me fucking leave. And I tried to, but she..." A pause. "She said that she'd kick me back into the system. Which yeah, I could deal with," I plow on, "if it didn't mean leaving my sister behind, something that I know Ms. Willis would just love."

The three blink back at me once I'm done.

Before Riya meets my eyes and states a simple, "what the fuck."

I find myself snorting, because even at my lowest point in life, Riya Khatri is so fucking Riya it nearly hurts.

"This isn't your fault, Jason," Amir says, eyes gentle but dead-serious as he meets my gaze. "You've gotta know that."

"You should explain it to Lucas." Dani says, hands clasping as her eyes find mine.

I shake my head in an instant. "I don't want Lucas to know anything about it," I rush out. Especially given that my previous conversation with him went so well.

"Look," Riya starts, pursing her lips. "I think this whole Ms. Willis situation is getting out of hand." She leans forward, lips parting. "How often does she pull this kind of shit?"

"Well," I start, ready to slide into something resembling a defensive position on the topic. I shug, eyes finding the table once more. I'm ready to defend fucking Ms. Willis, and I can't be sure why. She's my guardian, in any sense, and she'll be quick to dump me right back into the system at any wrong move.

And I never want to go back.

In response to Riya's question, I just shrug again, eyes glazing as they flit around the cafeteria, stopping when they land on the one person I wished they wouldn't.

Lucas Garcia.

And almost as though he can feel my eyes on him, his gaze rises upwards, finding mine for a split second in eternity. But as quickly as he glances towards me, he looks away. And with that, all the breath is sucked from my lungs all over again.

***

The rest of the school day passes in silence. 

Although I feel slightly lighter after the conversation from earlier today, my feet still drag ever-so-gently, and I make my way from class to class not unlike a zombie. Half-asleep.

When the final bell finally rings, I'm out the door, backpack swinging behind me as I make my way over to my car. I speed up as my eyes catch onto it, because even though I have no clue where I want to go, all I know is that I want to fucking go.

Sliding into my car, I let my hands rest on the wheel, lips pursed. A breath escapes my lips. But I'm startled to attention by a loud banging on the outside of my car.

"Really?" I mutter as I catch sight of Riya's face pressed against my outer window, Amir and Dani on either side of her.

Riya makes a gesture for me to lower my windows. I roll my eyes but oblige, and once I do, Riya says, "hey, none of us are leaving until you let us in."

I trill my lips in half-annoyance, unlocking the car doors as my friends pile in, Dani sliding into shotgun and Riya and Amir sliding into the backseat, shit-eating grins on both Dani and Riya's lips, and a nearly imperceptible smirk on Amir's.

"You're all annoying as hell," I say, adjusting my rear view mirror as I pull out of the parking spot, "clingy motherfuckers."

Riya blows me a kiss from the backseat in return. One that I roll my eyes at while simultaneously making my way through the parking lot and towards the school exit.

But before I can even make my way out of the school parameter, frantic waving catches the corner of my eyes.

What the hell.

Because right outside of the school and only about fifteen feet away from my car is Ellie Evans. She's waving her hands all exaggeratedly, brown waves and flowy cardigan billowing in the wind.

She catches my eyes, and I blink about ten million times, muttering profanities as she waves not unlike the way you'd wave for a taxi. And although I might not have the highest expectations of myself, I'd feel like a total asshole for ignoring her.

With that and the incessant urges from my friends in the back, I make a turn, pulling right up to the sidewalk, Ellie's grin only widening.

"Guess this is a free-for-all carpool," I mutter as I unlock the car doors and Ellie makes her way into the backseat, all crunched up next to Amir and Riya.

"Glad you've caught up," Ellie says, folding her legs as she exchanges all-too-smug grins with Amir and Riya in the back.

Once I pull out of the school campus and onto the road, I spare a glance towards my rearview mirror. "Why the fuck are you all coming with me?" A snort. "Poor-asses."

"Hey, your car's the only one with seat-warmers." Dani chirps, Riya nodding in agreement. "Someone's got to take advantage of the money you're drowning in."

"You're so funny." I deadpan, Riya snorting. 

"She is, isn't she?" Amir says, nodding slowly as he leans back into his seat, eyes sparkling with amusement.

"This has seat-warmers?" Ellie's eyebrows fly to the sky. "How the hell—?" She starts, some shuffling going on in the backseat.

"Imagine being so elite that you have seat-warmers in your car," Riya says, fanning herself. "Couldn't be me."

"You better enjoy them." I say, "peasants." And it's a quick semblance of the joking, playful Jason with sporadic appearances every now and then. The grin on Amir's face tells me that he sees it, too.

"I am not a peasant," Riya snaps from the backseat. "Bitch."

"Plebeian," I say. A smug smirk curves onto my lips, but it quickly drops once I feel a firm hit at the back of my head, courtesy of one Riya Khatri.

My eyes catch onto where Ellie's seated in the backseat, a small smile tugging at her lips. And it dawns on me that the last time I saw her was before Iridescence. Before everything was fucked up.

My heart drops.

"Aren't you pissed at me?" I find myself asking as Dani suddenly becomes preoccupied with the view outside, Riya and Amir seemingly invested in Riya's playlist as they scroll through her phone.

Ellie's eyes find mine, unblinking and green.

"Oh, no," She says, waving a hand. Her eyes narrow. "I'm hella pissed at you, but that's my natural state of being, so."

"Thanks," I mutter.

Ellie just plows on as though I hadn't even interjected, the only sign of hearing me being a subtle smile on her lips. "Plus," Her expression becomes serious. "I know you're not like that. Not anymore." A pause. "When you're ready to tell me what really went down, I'll be ready."

And with those last few words, it's almost like relief washes over my like a current. It's almost like I can breathe. And that feeling is priceless.

***

When the five of us make our way up the front steps of my house, there's a light energy that travels with us, a mess of laughter and jokes like we've known each other all our lives.

I open the door, the four others trailing behind me as we step into the foyer. Of course, I come to a startling halt when I come face to face with Ms. Willis.

Her eyes narrow at me, before tracing over the other four, eyes scrutinizing and flagrantly judging.

"Karim," She says, and given that she's always hated him— as she has with anything that makes me happy— her voice drips in cold ice.

"Risha." She says, eyes darting to where Riya's standing.

Riya blinks, almost as if to ask: is this bitch for real? I hold in a snort as Riya plasters on a shiny grin. "It's Riya. Not Risha."

Ms. Willis plasters on an even shinier one in response. Then she sends a shiny laugh her way. "Right," She drawls before turning to Dani.

"How's the bakery?" Her voice sounds so insanely fake, it's all I can do to prevent myself from just ditching the entire scene. 

"Great," Dani says, grin tight-lipped.

Ms. Willis' eyes finally settle on Ellie. She squints. "And you are?"

"Ellie," Ellie replies, hands clasped, grin all-too professional.

She squints again, her finger raising and mouth opening, most likely to say something offensive that I'm all but ready to ignore.

But luckily, her phone rings. "Ooh," Ms. Willis bats her eyelashes as she raises her phone to her free ear. "While it's been pleasant." Her tone shows it's been anything but. "I have places to get to." With that, she swings her bag over her shoulder and makes her way through the door.

It shuts behind her. As a collective, there seems to be an audible exhale. "She's so pretentious it physically fucking hurts me." Ellie says, lips parting.

"You deserve some credit for pushing through this," Amir says easily, eyes serene as he scouts the front door in thought.

"Yeah, well." I purse my lips, shoulders sagging into something resembling relief now that Ms. Willis is gone.

"How much are you betting she knew my name but chose to botch it up?" Riya asks, arms crossed.

"A solid fifty," Dani nods solemnly, arm sliding around her friend as our group of five makes our way up the stairs and towards my bedroom. 

I fall back onto my bed, legs outstretched as Dani finds the remote and turns on the TV, three consoles distributed among the three girls. A video game lights up my screen and Ellie, Dani, and Riya dive into the game, shrieks and loud swearing filling the air.

Amir slides onto the bed next to me, leaning back as he observes the game with amusement.

I almost smile myself, but my smile quickly drops as my eyes catch onto the blade positioned on one of my shelves. Shit. With a quick glance around, I let out a quick breath before trying to inconspicuously make my way over to the shelf.

I let out a breath as the girls don't notice, and while returning to my bed, I'm sliding my blade into my pocket, eyes widening when Amir's eyes zero in on it.

I shove it in my pocket in seconds, but it's too late.

Amir's eyes widen, lips parting as I sink into the seat next to him.

"Are you cutting again?" He asks, eyes drifting to my wrists. I shove them deep in my pockets, not uttering a reply.

"Jason," Amir says, eyes still wide. "Are you cutting again?" He repeats.

"It's nothing," I mutter. "Ms. Willis has just been really fucking nasty lately and I might get suspended at any given day." My lips purse, eyes closing for a few seconds before opening again.

"Is that all?" Amir asks, and I have to hate my best friend for being irritatingly able to read me like a book.

Should I tell him? My breath comes out shaky. Then, "Lucas is angry at me, and shit, it hurts."

Amir's eyes stay calm. "You should talk to the entire GSA and explain what happened." A pause. "Especially to Lucas."

I nod slowly, because he's right. He always is, and I hate him for it.

Almost as if on cue, Ellie whips around from where she's sprawled onto the floor, having died in the game. Her eyes find mine.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" I ask, and the words sound hesitant on my lips.

With that, the two of us make our way right outside of the room, Ellie leaning against the door as I shove my hands in my pockets.

"So, about Iridescence." I start. Ellie nods, silently urging me to go on. "I want to let you know that I didn't ditch." I run my hands through my hair, letting out a breath. "Ms. Willis—you just met her— wouldn't let me go. She threatened to uh, dump me back into the foster system. If you didn't know, that's how I—I grew up."

Ellie's eyes soften.

"It was turbulent, you know? So her saying that was really fucking scary. Plus, I have a sister, who you also met, and there's no way I'm leaving her back here." A pause. "So, yeah, I was forced to stay back here cleaning the place up. And by the time I was done, it was too late and I was knocked out cold."

I let out a breath. "I just want you to know that the GSA means a lot to me, the whole event does. So, I would never ditch. I wanted you all to know that."

"Of course," Ellie says, voice soft. There's a second of gentle understanding before the mood lightens up again. "Ms. Willis sounded like a total bitch, anyway. She gives me far-right, TERF, internalized-sexist vibes."

A laugh escapes my lips, one that closely resembles my usual cackle. It's a laugh I've held in for what feels like forever. "So fucking accurate," The laugh continues and Ellie matches it.

The two of us make our way back into the room, and somehow—after telling Ellie everything— it feels like there's less of a space between us than there was before.

And the light of today carries throughout our entire group. Riya browses through Netflix, before letting out a whistle as we all agree on a show.

Then the rest of the day is spent laughing, teasing and watching Netflix with the four of them.

And the day feels just a bit lighter.

***

omg 3200+ words,, this chapter had a lot 😳

also i managed to trip today and almost killed myself 😌

anyways i'm a bit happier and excited for the next chapter :')