yesterday our teacher called us young adults

i'm not ready for that man

i don't wanna be mature

i haven't even done stupid teenager shit that i'm expected to do and i'm supposed to be a young adult? i don't wanna act like a young adult. i haven't even kissed a boy or gone on a first date or summoned a demon or gotten a short haircut

i know that shit doesn't define your age, but i still feel too young to be mature

i don't wanna be that kid who was forced to grow up early because her dad was always under influence and her mom was too tired and her brother's a racist homophobic bitch and there was a pandemic. not getting a proper youth has always been a fear of mine

i know i have no right to feel that way because some people have it worse and shit but saying that only makes it harder for me because i know i shouldn't but i do anyways and then i feel like a selfish person and the next thing you know you're crying in the basement bathroom, trying to hide your tears, lying to your teacher about math homework, probably failing social studies, trying to stay in the closet while your brother keeps blackmailing you about it and you wish you could just skip all the classes and sleep through the day so you don't have to say anything to piss anyone off and you don't have to listen to teachers and shit

i'm just so sick of all this shit. if there wasn't a pandemic going on at the moment i would be seeming really optimistic now. since i'm not getting an actual graduation or an eighth grade dance or the opportunity to sing at may crowning (that whole flower thing was a fucking mockery) or a Chicago trip or the opportunity to bitch slap aidan, idk what to do anymore. i don't have anything to look forward to except a lack of classes and homework. i know everyone is depressed and the fact that i can't help bothers me so much. we are all slowly going insane and there's basically nothing I can direct do about it. i still fear that my ex is gonna kill themself and i'll feel responsible. i'm even more scared that friends are gonna get hurt and i'd have no clue it even happened.

every word the adults say to me affect me in some way. i don't trust them a lot anymore. i don't wanna talk to them. they say they care but they don't. they think it's for attention.

i don't want the world to fall apart.