You stormed into your house with a boiling anger inside. You let out a scream and fell on your knees. Why he had to be such a jerk? Why did he have to remind you that you were never meant to be?

You went there for him, only for him. You were worried about him, your heart was breaking into thousands and thousands of a little pieces every time you thought of him being hurt. But it seemed he didn't need your worry. Probably he thought of you as of an annoying pest. Perhaps that's why you didn't hear a word from him for such a long time.

He must've been tried from all your nagging. Hindrance, obstacle, plaything. That was perhaps all what he thought of you. You thought you knew him. That you could distinguish genuine smiles form a fake ones. That his threats towards you were empty words. That under this façade he still cared. You thought you could read him. But now you weren't so sure anymore. That part of yourself was shred into pieces. Were you really living in some kind of fantasy? An illusion? Were you this stupid?

You hit a wall with your hand and winced. Blood stained white bandages. Pain shot through your left hand and you wailed harder. Red liquid ran down your hand and onto the floor. You unwrapped the bandages and looked at your wound. It was a reminder. Reminder that all that happened last night was your fault. Reminder that you've been betrayed by the same person three times. Reminder that wherever you went you only brought a disaster.

In your father's house you were unwanted child, they preferred the boy, and your mother couldn't give them one. In Kyoto, the only reason your dearest friend was dead, was you. Now, something happened to Okita. You knew it. And you knew it was something bad, you saw it in his eyes. It didn't matter that he said it wasn't for you. No, it happened all because of you. Because you were born. Because no matter how much you searched you couldn't find a place to call home.

You didn't know how long you spent crying on the floor. The down came. It seemed that the weather mirrored your inner thoughts. Clouded, stormy, rainy. You stood up and decided to clean the blood. The wound still hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain you felt inside. You moped around the house lifeless. You decided to do something to get your thoughts off the whole incident.

You started to cook. You ignored pain in your left hand and worked on some sweets. Only then you remembered that probably you'd never be able to have friendly spat with Okita anymore. He won't come by and steal some sweets. You won't hear his remarks. You won't see amusement flickering in his eyes. You won't roll eyes at his antics or get embarrassed by his teasing.

You stood on the road, in the direction in which he used to came from. And you realized that he won't appear there anymore.
Your tears mixed with the rain and you let your lifeless form fall on the knees.

***

He was moping around. And he knew it. Underneath wry smiles and crude jokes stood a glum man. He was transferred to the Corps, along with Heisuke. He became the Fury, white-haired monster. Even if his body healed from fight from Kaoru, and he was in better health, he felt like a wreck.

He drank the Water of life for Kondou. To be useful, to be his sword. This is where his loyalty laid and he was proud of it. Even if he had to became a monster, he did it and would do it again. Because he didn't want to be useless. He refused to die so easily. If he had to die, he would die with a sword in his hand. He would do that for Kondou. For the Shinsengumi. He gave himself to the organization and would never back down.

But deep inside there was a part of him that belonged only to her. And that particular part drank the Water of life. It was when he saw that look of betrayal on her face when Kaoru said he killed Kimiko, he knew that the man had to die. The agony he saw in her eyes, made him so angry. In his world, those who make her feel so much pain, had to die.

So he took the Water of life. To continue to be Kondou's sword, to let go of the illness that made him vulnerable.

Finally, for her.

For her welcoming smiles when he dropped by the bakery. For her sparkling eyes, always so full of life. For her amusing replies and comebacks. For her laughs. She was his oasis of peace, where all of his concerns faded to the background. He realized that for years he thought of her as of... home. She was always so welcoming, warm and homely. She was the only person that worried about him this way, or nagged him openly. Even if she was sometimes irritating with her chiding and scolding, somehow it felt right. So different that anything he knew.

When he was a boy his older sister left him alone. Everybody pitied him, till Kondou came. Then he decided to be useful for him. He wanted to learn the way of sword. Finally he became master of the sword. But then he disappointed Kondou, he became murderer. The Shinsengumi. Again, unwanted, scary, misunderstood. But then she came along. Crazy girl who hit his opponent with a clay pot. Crazy girl who openly spoke her mind. Crazy girl who turned to be lady from a samurai house, that decided to go through life her own way. Different from anything he came across.

For years he experienced every of her moods. She was like a combination of four seasons. She was like a cherry blossom, even if millions others, maybe even prettier than her, in his eyes she was unreplaceable. Her smile was like a hottest day of summer, so warm and dazzling. Her temper was like a refreshing morning in the autumn, sometimes cold, sometimes surprisingly warm. She was delicate like single snow petal, fragile but unique.

She was strong, yet fragile, she was loving, yet could became sharp as a knife, she was easy to read as an open book, yet mysterious. And he wanted to protect every part of her. He wanted to reach for her, to keep her close and never let go. All because she made him feel at home.

Once, after murder of her friend, he told her that she looks like his worst nightmare. It was the truth. The worst he could ever dream of, was her - dying, cold, void. He made a vow to never make it happened. But in a sense he failed. He hurt her, he pushed her away. For her own good, but he still dreamed of those eyes filled with pain.

She said that she won't give up on him. She didn't realize just how much emotions it stirred within him, a dying man. Again he masked this with a cruelty and an awful remark. She didn't know how happy within she made him, how much he wanted to just hug her and tell her that everything is going to be alright. But he didn't.

That state of pain continued for weeks. For a full month he felt like somebody stabbed him in his guts and twisted the knife. And worst of all, that person was himself.

It was a full month before he met her again.

He was walking back from the night patrol. He could only function normally in the night. The daylight hurt him, he felt sleepy and tried. It was one of the calmer nights in Kyoto, just a few thieves here and there.

He didn't notice that he walked into familiar neighborhood. It was near her house, near her. He sighed at his stupidity. He heard giggles in the distance. Who would be awake at such hour? It turned to be her, ______ and Minamoto woman. He recalled _____ being friends with old widow, but he wondered what she was doing at her house, at 4 am no less. With a weird pain in heart he decided to let her be, and if possible – go away unnoticed.

She looked almost like he remembered her. Almost, because she looked tried and weary. Probably from staying up so late, Okita decided. His heart skipped a beat when he recognized haori she was wearing. Decorated with sakura flowers, beautiful haori he gave her a year or so ago. She still held onto that. He felt pain in his chest, was it this what she meant on not giving up on him?

To his horror she suddenly turned around. He froze, unable to look away. Her eyes went wide and her lower lip trembled. For a moment time stopped between them. It took long minutes before he came back to his senses.

"______...?" he uttered unable to stop himself. She hid her mouth behind the sleeve. Okita inwardly smiled at that sight. She always did that when she was nervous or embarrassed. When he teased her she would try to hide her face, it was adorable. But now it was different.

"Souji-san... I..." she started. None of them knew what to say. So they just stood facing each other. Then he noticed shuffle behind her. It was Minamoto-san, looking between two of them. He ignored the old lady and again looked at _____.

He wondered what to do. He couldn't just stand here and stare. It was too heart-wrenching. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. He thought letting her go was better option, but could he let her go? Could he give up on her? On the woman he came to cherish deep inside his heart? The only person that was his escape from the gray and cruel world. His common sense said to leave, go away before it ends bad. But his heart screamed to never let her go.

He hardly ever listened to his common sense.

"______, I'm sorry," he said quietly. She blinked at him and frowned. She balled her hands into fists.

''What...? You're sorry? You?!" she shouted. Well, he would be surprised if she reacted differently. Her temper was one of the kind. Maybe he shouldn't have stayed. "How dare you! You're the biggest jerk I've ever met! You incompetent fool! After all what's been said and done, you're just saying you're sorry? That's the biggest understatement of the year!"

"_-____-" he tried to interrupt.

"Silence! Don't you dare to interrupt me. You're probably the most frustrating person I've ever come across! You say one thing and do the other, then vice versa! Do you have any idea, how hard it is to read between the lines with you!? Do you now!?"

"I-" Okita didn't really have a reply to that. She was totally right. He wondered if she realized that she really saw right through him.

"Shh! Do you think simple 'I'm sorry' is going to be enough? You think that I will forgive you that easily? You'd better be prepared to do some hard work, Souji-san," she finished with ragged breath. He was a little panicked and didn't know what to say. Suddenly she held her arms wide open and looked at him expectantly. "What are you waiting for, Souji-san?"

Okita stood in front of her for few moments before he moved and hugged her tightly. She smiled tip-toeing to reach his neck.

"Does that mean you actually forgive me?"

"Not yet. I told you, you have to work hard for it," he smiled against her temple. He didn't know how long they stood like this, though he couldn't say he was complaining.

~~***~~

Yay feelings! Yay angst! Yay my totall unableness (is this even a word?) to convey it correctly!

I silently hope I didn't butcher Okita's character in his POV....