"And sometimes I have to keep my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in." —Jane Austen

**

SOME people wear chains as if they are necklaces and wonder why they cannot breathe.

But you see, it feels light. The more time you have it around your neck, the more it feels like rusty jewelry meant to be worn. 

When you've been strangled for long, it becomes a part of you because no matter how awful something is, it grows on you ironically. 

You only remember its weight when you try to move again.

To take a step or to finally break free.

When it's time to break them, chains become the heaviest.

They are mean and stubborn.

Mischievous— they lure you with familiarity and habit.

So, the moment you try to get out of them...

They remind you why you stopped trying to stand in the first place.

Old habits die the hardest.

It's been three days since she saw Taehyung. She tried to contact him but it's like he turned off his phone. Or worse, he threw his sim away and changed numbers. She wanted to believe it's the first one.

"Jisoo," Lisa called her attention. She didn't notice her friends eyeing her for a time now because they've been sitting for almost half an hour and she never touched her food. Jisoo finally gave Lisa a look.

"I don't wanna be that person but..." she put her hand on Jisoo's shoulder, "I told you, you can't change him overnight."

She sighed audibly. She told her friends about him disappearing yesterday. She wanted to keep her promise to them.

Lisa noticed how her expression became more sullen. Rosé widened her eyes at her. She bit her lip and tried to cheer her friend, "Although, he can change. For sure. Perhaps the reason why he needs space?"

Jisoo forced a smile. She knows Lisa is against her friendship with Taehyung so she is grateful that she still tries to lift her mood.

"He'd be okay. He can handle himself," Lisa continued to assure her.

"Yeah," Jisoo mumbled softly. They went silent for a minute. Then, Bona took a sip from her drink before putting it down.

"Not the right time too but..." she started, making all of them look at her.

"Are you two a couple already?" she giggled at her question.

"Bona!" Rosé exclaimed scandalously and massaged her temple.

"What?" Bona laughed and faced Jisoo again, telling her silently to answer.

Jisoo was taken aback as she fumbled for words, "N-no."

"Are you getting there, though?" Bona wiggled her eyebrows with a hint of teasing in her tone. She earned an elbow from Nayeon.

"Can you please shut up?" the latter glared at her.

"I-it's not that, I-I just, I mean..." Jisoo brushed her hands over her face in frustration. It was a rare look on her as she is always the optimist of the group. She had her friends worried.

"Okay calm down, Bona is just messing with you," Rosé came to her rescue when she noticed that Jisoo cannot find any words to express herself.

She gave Bona a threatening look and smile, "Right Bona?" Rosé added.

"Right," Bona replied sarcastically and sipped on her juice again to shut up.

Then, Jisoo finally spoke.

"I know I seem overreacting to you and I honestly don't wanna go over the argument last time," she paused, "But believe me when I say he's not okay. I've seen it. I know we cannot excuse his actions but... He needs at least... Someone. Anyone. It's not my story to tell, I cannot explain it to you."

"It's just that I don't wanna sit doing nothing when I know about his situation. It feels like a responsibility. I could try to lend a hand to him. I don't want to regret it if I do nothing," Jisoo confessed.

"Maybe it would make a difference," she continued while she stared at them seriously.

Her friends exchanged glances before they said something.

"Well, how could uh... How could we help?" Rosé was the first to speak.

"Do you know his family? Or even just other friends?" Nayeon asked too.

"Gang dudes?" Bona interjected. Everyone looked at her in disbelief. She raised both of her hands in defeat, "Okay I'll stop."

"You know his house, right?" Lisa changed the topic. Jisoo nodded.

"We'll accompany you there if that will make you feel better," she told her. Somehow, it did the trick as Jisoo looked like she was resurrected.

"Really?" her eyes sparkled. She has been wanting to go there but because of what happened before, she did not push through the idea.

"You know him most," Lisa shrugged, "It's in our conscience too if it's really super serious. And I don't want you to be reckless and do it alone again."

Jisoo smiled, finally. She hugged Lisa sidewards since they are sitting beside each other, "Thank you!"

"For now let's just go to our classes, we'll meet after school to check on him," Nayeon said as they began to finish their food.

—

"HE HAS a pretty good house," Lisa has her hands inside her pockets as she looks up to his abode. Like planned, they did go to his house the moment they all got out of their classes.

"Is he secretly a mafia boss?" Bona wondered while trying to peek behind the gate. She felt Nayeon kicking her lightly on the leg. She frowned and looked over her shoulder, "What now?"

"I don't know why we befriended her," Nayeon complained after ignoring Bona's remarks.

"Cause I'm irresistible?—" she was cut off as Rosé covered her mouth with her hands.

"Sshh," she said, hushing her, "Should we ring the doorbell?" Rosé asked and motioned to the doorbell beside the gate.

"Jisoo should," Hoseok said, startling them. 

He arrived from nowhere. As usual, he was the first to know because Jisoo contacted him to ask about Taehyung since they live in the same neighborhood.

"Don't you have classes?" Lisa raised her brow at him after checking the time.

"Uh... Half day?" he laughed as he adjusted his bag hanging one of his shoulders.

"He's cutting classes," Bona said as a matter of fact and scoffed. Hoseok's eyes widened.

"No!" he exaggeratedly denied and laughed. All of them obviously did not believe him so he scratched his head.

"You know, no one will answer you guys," he uttered in an attempt to change the topic. Good thing, it did work.

"Why?" Jisoo spoke for the first time since they got there.

Hoseok shifted her gazes to her, "I saw him leave last Friday."

"I'm with him last time," Jisoo slipped on her tongue. They all turned their heads at her.

"Omg!" Bona pulled her by the shoulders to face her, "Was it a date?!" she exclaimed.

"No," Jisoo's brows furrowed and she removed her hands from her shoulders gently, "It's... It's not like that."

"Well, what time did you meet up?" questioned her. His arms over his chest, tilting his head while watching her expression.

"Past 1pm, I guess?" Jisoo said unsure. She cannot clearly remember what time it was but it was after classes.

Hoseok clicked his tongue, "Then he never went home. I never saw him after he left at lunch," he told them.

"So what now?" Nayeon spoke up and looked at everyone.

"The wall is not that high," Hoseok smirked and pointed at the walls of his gate.

"Oh, so you're Spiderman now?" Lisa sarcastically commented.

"How did we end up being burglars?" Rosé cackled nervously. She wanted to object but Hoseok is quick on his feet to climb up.

"Isn't this illegal?" Jisoo told him as he jumped over to the other side.

They heard the gate opening inside. Hoseok peeked his head out and beamed at her, "You wanna check up on him, right?" 

He opened it wider for them and stepped aside as they entered, "Besides, I don't think he's someone who really abides well with the law."

"Tell me he doesn't think he's like a ninja or something, right?" Nayeon whispered to Bona.

The latter just made a face, "Believe me, he does."

They looked around in silence as they were welcomed by the garden of his house. The pots are messy and everything looks like it's decaying. In front of them is his two-storey house with a small patio.

They took time admiring his place. Jisoo told them that he lives alone. The house is pretty big for a single person. They concluded that he is probably wealthy.

"His place would be better if he tries to water the plants," Rosé said as she stopped to examine a dying flower near the patio.

"If we get caught, will he bail us out?" Nayeon asked jokingly.

"I don't think so," Rosé answered and stood up from crouching before following them to the door.

Jisoo twisted the door knob, trying her luck once again while Hoseok, Lisa and Bona tried to look inside the house even if the curtains were down. The knob did not budge and she guessed she probably ran out of luck this time.

"It's locked," she said to them, "I only managed to enter that one time because he left it open. Or maybe he forgot."

They all thought of something for a brief moment until Lisa spoke, "Well, unless you know how to pick a lock or magically summon him then we can't do anything anymore. We tried."

"He didn't tell me this," Jisoo blurted out what's on her mind, her shoulders slouching down in mixed emotions.

"Maybe because he doesn't want you to search for him," Rosé told her. Jisoo did not reply and just stared at her friend.

"Maybe he doesn't want to be found, Jisoo," Rosé added.

Jisoo fell silent as she looked at them. They did not say anything but she understood that they were implying it's the end. 

A dead end.

"Let's go home," Hoseok encouraged them and was the first one to walk away.

But for her, it's not that easy to walk away. She was left behind. Jisoo looked back grimly at the locked door. The unsettling feeling she has for weeks just became worse.

She clenched her chest, I thought we're finally making progress.

Jisoo finally followed her friends to the gate quietly.

I guess I'm wrong again.

—

"EARTH to Jisoo! Earth to Jisoo!" Nayeon called her and snapped her fingers in front of her face, she flinched and blinked, going back to reality.

It's another day with no signs of him.

"O-oh, sorry. Where were we again?" she looked around her group mates. They are huddled in a corner, forming a circle because their professor gave them time to talk about their project.

"At hell but they wanna call it university," Jimin answered and smiled at him. She doesn't know how to react to his weird humor.

Namjoon saw her taken aback so he looked at her apologetically, "He's a little unhinged, please be patient," he spoke for his friend and she nodded awkwardly.

Jinyoung's eyes are on Jisoo. He was sitting across from her, beside Jimin. His stares are a little intense but she just felt it now that she is not spacing out.

"Is something bothering you?" he suddenly asked.

"Hm?" Jisoo paused and shook her head, "Uh, none. Don't mind me. I just didn't get enough sleep," she tried to laugh it off.

"Alright," Jinyoung licked his lower lip, his eyes still on her, "I just thought maybe someone is troubling you or whatnot," he said in a low tone.

Did he just say someone?

Before she could ask him what he meant, Namjoon looked up from the paper he was reading and spoke.

"Wait, aren't we supposed to be seven in the team?" he told them while scanning all of them with his eyes, "Where's the other one... Uh, Kim? Kim Taehyung?" he read from their list of members.

He didn't know but he at least felt that the question made the atmosphere heavy around them. He wanted to take it back.

"We're also trying to figure that out," Bona uttered carelessly. Nayeon pinched her on the arm and smiled at the boys.

"No idea," she said.

"You know him?" Jimin looked at their way.

"She knows him," Bona jerked her thumb in Jisoo's direction, Nayeon just rolled her eyes to her friend in disbelief.

I don't know if she's insensitive, dumb or doing it on purpose, she thought to herself.

"Boyfriend?" Jimin queried and glanced at Jisoo while playing with his fountain pen.

"No," Jisoo and Jinyoung answered at the same time. They looked at each other in shock. Nayeon almost choked on her breath.

Jimin's eyes now shifted to the person beside him, "So, you're the boyfriend?"

"No," Jisoo said again. Her tone is firm.

I feel something odd about Jinyoung today, she told herself and looked at the man in front of her.

"Ah, then are you single?" Jimin leaned towards her direction making her look at him instead. She was confused but she nodded.

Namjoon combed his hair in irritation, "Jimin for Pete's sake, you can't just go around asking people if they are single!"

"It's a harmless question," he laughed and plastered a lopsided smile on his face.

"You're being a flirt like always," Namjoon reprimanded him like a dad.

"Bad way to word things bro," he put an arm around him, "I prefer to call it being friendly and loving," he explained and touched his chest dramatically.

Namjoon hit him with his rolled up paper on the stomach, "Sorry, he's really embarrassing," he awkwardly told the ladies. The latter told him it was fine and just decided to disregard Jimin's words.

"Anyway, back to the discussion," Namjoon cleared his throat, "If he is the type to not show up during groupworks, I'm afraid we'll remove him."

"What?" Jisoo looked at him in shock, "Can we give him a chance? It's just the first meeting," she reasoned out.

Namjoon eyed her, "I'm not saying we're removing him now. I'm clarifying just in case," he elaborated.

"Let's just drop him already. He's definitely not gonna show up," Jinyoung interrupted, making Jisoo turn her attention to him again.

"How are you so sure?" Jisoo asked, her eyes now heavy with judgement at him. Jinyoung just stared at her, unfazed.

"I know him," he simply said but it sounded like it has more to it.

When Jisoo squinted her eyes at him, he shrugged, "I mean, isn't he infamous around the campus?" he uttered dismissively.

"Yeah, yeah... Kinda," Nayeon interjected to cut the conversation. She feels bad about its implications somehow.

"Oh, y'all didn't tell us we have a celebrity in the group," Jimin commented with his cheek leaning on his hand, watching everyone.

"Yes, celebrity bad boy straight from Hollywood," Bona joked and laughed but no one laughed with her and they just gave her blank looks.

"Bona if you say one more stupid thing, I swear, I'm gonna need to muffle your mouth," Nayeon warned her.

"Okay. Let's compromise," Namjoon spoke again because he thinks it's starting to turn personal when all he wanted is to do the project. He didn't like dramas.

"We'll give him two days to respond," he said

"Can you perhaps give him a week?" Jisoo turned to him.

"No, sorry," Namjoon shook his head. He has always been a strict leader, he hated freeloaders but of course, he gives them the benefit of a doubt. Hence, the two day time.

Still, Jisoo was persistent or stubborn, kind of like both, "But I think he currently has problems, can't we consider that?"

"Please?" she pleaded, her eyes staring intensely at his. He needed to look away to regain his composure.

The heck is with this girl? He thought to himself.

"Fine," Namjoon sighed deeply, "Until next Monday. That's four days already. The longest I can consider, we can't wait for someone who is most likely not gonna appear anytime soon. He has problems, okay. But we also have that. Plus the work we need to finish. If he's still not showing up, we'll remove him."

"Why don't you run for president, Joon?" Jimin snickered, annoying Namjoon more.

The latter ignored him and looked at his team, "Everyone agrees?"

They all agreed and nodded. When she didn't say yes, Namjoon turned to her, "Jisoo?" he asked gently.

"Y-yes. I understand. Thank you," she smiled at him and he answered back with a tight smile before proceeding on explaining the instructions for their project.

Halfway through, Jisoo glanced at Jinyoung who has been staring at her for the whole time.

What's with him?

—

ANOTHER DAY has gone by.

She wanted to confront Jinyoung but she can't just accuse him because it was all just gut feeling. She knew him as a good guy so she doesn't want to entertain bad things. It would be bad if she'd judge him right away.

Jisoo pushed the gate open while pulling her bike. She is going to her shift at the convenience store. Nothing much ever really happens on her day.

It feels like it's missing something lately.

Perhaps a presence.

Maybe a someone.

The gate made a screeching sound. She wiped her forehead because of the beads of sweat, it was a sunny afternoon today.

She pulled her bike with her after closing the gate when she felt the wheels bumping on something soft on the ground. She paused to look down and see what it is. To her utter surprise it's... A stuff toy.

Angry, stuff toy.

She felt her heart thumping while looking at the cute bear. There is a sticky note attached to its tummy. She took it and read on the sloppy handwriting.

Unfortunately, I'm still alive.

Her mouth gaped. She almost felt like crying. Then, she noticed that the bear is wearing a white bracelet. She removed it and examined the beads.

It's simple. There is a half of a silver bead in the middle.

Taehyung?

Jisoo looked around in excitement only to be disappointed when no one was even around the area. She felt her heart sink. She is sure it's him. It's definitely him.

Why can't he show up? She thought as she clenched on the gift, as what she perceived, that he left for her.

Unknown to Jisoo, she actually just failed to notice the eyes looking at her from a distance.

He lit up a cigar and turned his back to the other direction, pulling his ball cap lower and his mask under his chin.

He walked away, hands inside the pocket of his black jacket.

He just wanted to see her.

Kind of.

He tried to avoid it and stop himself. But if there's one thing he has learned about him is that he is really bad at controlling himself.

At least he saw her. He knew she'd be worried sick.

It's not much but he bet it could somehow appease her.

Hopefully.

It's back to usual in his world.

And that one day felt like a dream.

Surprisingly he knew it feels like a dream when all he has ever had is nightmares.

But the thing about dreams, no matter how beautiful they are, you wake up from them. Then, it's back to reality. 

The awful, horrible reality he has. 

Back to square one for him...

Back before there is her.

Taehyung stopped just by the road. He looked up at the sky. The same blue clear sky, the same cold breeze, the same like that dreamy day.

Only this time, it's a little more of a nightmare.

He puffed an air of smoke, watching it disperse with blank eyes.

Old habits die hard.