A/N: Okay, I didn't cast anyone for Emily but I figured you all would want a face to the name so I chose Sabrina Carpenter.

Read on :)

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I all but jumped out of Nick's car when we arrived to my house. I didn't even wait for the car the come to a complete stop before opening the door. I didn't want to give him a chance to say something. I was done talking to him for now. I think I'm all talked out for a good year or so now.

I was upset, pissed and very drained. No wonder I never told anyone about Emily, it was exhausting and hard. Telling the story was like having it happen all over again. All I wanted to do now was hide underneath my covers for the rest of the day and tomorrow. Unfortunately, I knew I wasn't going to get my way.

I opened the door to my house and saw my parents and brothers sitting there with all eyes on me. Great. This day just got even more worse. Once again we were late to go to my grandparents house, and once again I was the cause. My family was all ready to go and here I was tear stained face, messy hair, crumpled clothes, and the scent of a sewer and trashcan mixed.

"I'll be down in fifteen." I mumble then walk upstairs to my room.

My room looked the same as it did last night before I charged out of here. The shirt and note were still laying on the bed, it looked like somoene moved them. I knew my mom was the one who did that. She probably came in here last night to check on me. Instead she found an empty bed and no kid insight.

I moved my gaze to my closet to find something decent to wear today. I chose a simple maroon t-shirt dress and a pair of black tights. I pick up my clothes then headed to the bathroom. The water felt good on my skin. Hell, it felt good just to brush my teeth. I showered in record time, the whole time I was trying my hardest to keep my mind from wandering to Emily but I failed miserably. I cried the entire time. My heart hurt so bad.

After my shower I went back to my room and sat down at my vanity to put some make-up on. Since my hair was wet I just through it into a side braid and went on with my appearance. I had dark circles under my eyes, they were puffy as well and red. If no one knew I had been crying they might have thought I was a pothead.

I was rolling my tube of mascara around when I heard my door open and my mom came in. She gave me a small smile then sat down on my bed.

"I'm almost done." I wince when my voice cracks.

"Take your time. Your dad and brothers already left. I told them we would leave when you were ready." Mom informs.

I nod. "Did you come up here to ground me?" I ask while applying some blush.

Mom furrows her brows in confusion, "Why would I ground you, Taylor?"

I let out a scoff, "You grounded me for breaking curfew, getting detention three times, lying about my grades and about drinking at a party. Then I came home hungover, just like today. So what's my punishment?" I ask annoyed.

Mom shifts on my bed and clears her throat. Here comes a lecture. "Actually, your dad and I talked. We aren't punishing you this time."

I frown, "Why? I deserve it. I left without telling you, went to a sketchy ass bar where I used a fake I.D. to buy alcohol. Then I spent the night at a random guys house. If those things don't deserve a long grounding then I don't know what does."

"You are right. Those things do qualify you to get grounded. But...we aren't doing it." Mom mentions.

"Why?" I whisper, knowing where this is going. "Don't not punish me because it's the anniversary of Emily's death."

"That isn't why we decided not to do it." She says.

"Okay then why?" I push.

"We know this time of year is hard for you. So hard that it is unbearable. You lost a dear friend, and you have no idea how to cope. So if you want to drink then drink. Your dad and I know you would never hurt yourself or anyone else." Mom confesses.

I can't help but start crying again, "That isn't the reason why I do it, mom."

"Taylor, honey, please talk to me about this. I can tell whatever it is, is eating you up." Mom pleads.

"I can't." I sob.

"I know you miss her and it's okay that you do. Grief takes time. The hurt never heals." She says with a soft voice. My mom has always had a soft voice. So comforting.

"Mom." I sob. "Lacey and I are the reason she isn't here. We made her come to the party with us. We left her alone while we went to do something with the other cheerleaders. If we were with her Emily would still be here." I finally confess.

My mom grabs my hand and pulls me over to sit beside on her on my bed, "Sweetie, is that really what you think?" She asks and I nod. "No, Taylor. Emily's death was not your or Lacey's fault. Look at me." She demands and I do.

Mom wipes a few of my tears away, "If those girls didn't do something at the party then they would have done it later."

"But mom. Emily is gone and she left so fast. We gave her space. If we hadn't, Phillip would still have a little sister, Mr. and Mrs.Foster would still have their daughter. Lacey and I would still have our other bestie. She's gone, mom and she isn't coming back. And I don't have anything to remember her by anymore." I cry.

"What about your bracelet she gave you?" Mom asks.

"It broke last night. It's broken." I tell her.

"Oh, honey, we can get it fixed." Mom says.

Mom and I sit in silence for a little bit. She lets me cry my heart out for the second time today, and she lets me do it on her shoulder all while she is holding my tightly in her arms. This, this is what I needed, my mother's warm embrace. I have been dreading telling her what I thought in fear that she might agree with me. I was scared to see her reaction but this reaction was much better. I may be seventeen but I still need my mom, especially in times like these.

"If it is too much, I can tell Sharon you don't want to do the walk." Mom suggests.

I shake my head, "No. I'll do it. I need them almost as much as they need me."

Mom nods her head, "I called Lacey's mom this morning to see how she was doing."

My ears perk up at the mention of Lacey's name. I was worried about her and I was sure she was worried about me. "How is she?"

"A mess. Just like you." Mom admits truthfully.

That gets a hint of a smile on my lips, "I miss Lacey. We haven't talked in a week."

"You two need to talk. You two are keeping Emily's memory alive. It will help if you both talk." She advises.

"I know. I just don't know how." I sigh.

"Well. How about when we get back from visiting relatives, you call Lacey and talk to her. But for today, I want you to give me your phone. No distractions. Think about Emily and how she would have wanted you to enjoy these next few days. She loved Christmas." Mom suggests with a small smile.

"Okay." I agree.

Soon after I fix my make-up mom and I were on our way to Boston to spend time with our relatives.

I was doing this for my mom and for Emily.

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I was actually having a pretty good time with my family. What shocked me was that that no one was looking at me with a sad or pity look. I knew my dad was behind this. He or mom always find a way to tell our family members not to ask me about Emily. I thought this year after my little meltdown they wouldn't listen to what my parents told them. But apparently they listened and it made things a whole lot easier for me.

I did get a real good hug from my grandparents. Their hugs are the best and can make me smile even at my darkest moments. Xander and Carter hugged me as well then pulled me with them to a room upstairs where my other cousins were playing board games. I knew they were trying to keep me distracted and I loved them all for it.

No matter how upset or drained I was feeling they always found a way to cheer me up. Board games was the one way to do that, especially Clue. I rocked that game on so many levels.

I would catch myself thinking of Emily or Lacey. I so wanted to talk to her and see how she was but my mom still has my phone. I also wanted to text Nick and apologize for acting like such a basket case this morning. I probably freaked him out. I emptied a lot of baggage on him this morning. He was so not prepared. I was also missing my bracelet. My wrist felt empty without it, but my dad did tell me he has a friend who can fix it and he would call him the day after Christmas. That alone made me smile. It was like a Christmas present.

Speaking of presents, my cousins and I always do a gift exchange. We always do it at Thanksgiving. This year my cousin got me a sweater from Victoria Secret PINK he knows me so well. It made me smile seeing everyone open their gifts. My family was doing an amazing job of keeping my mind preoccupied, they didn't even know they were doing it either.

Even though Christmas is a rough time for me, I always try to find a way to enjoy it. This year was rougher than the others. I think it was because I told Nick, I've not had to tell anyone that information in a long time. Not since Emily died. Everyone knew about it. Nick didn't because he didn't transfer to Kennedy Prep until sophmore year. Emily died during freshman year.

A part of me was relieved to tell Nick. The other part wasn't because I had a feeling he was going to become a stranger to me again. I liked Nick, in fact I liked him a lot more than I let myself believe. I tried so hard to push those feeling away but they aren't budging. I thought after I told him, those feelings would leave but nope, they're still here. And I have no idea how to handle them.

I guess we will see how it all plays out when school resumes in January.

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A/N:
I promise the next chapters are lighter.

Thanks for reading.

Up next: Lacey and Taylor bestie talk...somewhere special.